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Be Patient

29 May

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In December, I hit an all time low in confidence. It actually steadily declined from my birthday on.  I started January higher than my pre-marathon  weight.  I was lost but not just because of a number and the way I looked…but how I felt.  For someone who works out like mad…I was doing a piss poor job of showing myself what I’m capable of.  I had no confidence I could break any barrier.  It wouldn’t and couldn’t happen fast enough.  So after the first week-ish of January…I set a goal.  To do what I have such a problem doing with every facet of life…”Be Patient”.  So without even thinking about it, I chipped away at being patient.  I worked one meal at a time, one workout at a time, and yes…even one glass of wine at a time (with water in between like the good girl I am).  I acquired help along the way to help me breathe though each moment that it didn’t  happen all at once.  I didn’t beat the shit out of myself mentally for mistakes.   It’s May now…almost June, and I got rid of 18lbs.  I didn’t even realize it.  I’m a number counter so I realized it.  But I certainly didn’t realize that I’d made a dent.  I examined myself in the mirror and looked at the number and saw a difference.  All because I finally looked past instant gratification and just took my time.  Maybe it doesn’t seem like a bunch of weight, but for me, it was more progress than I’ve made in three years.  For once in a long time I am pounds away from my lowest recorded weight.  I know that because my GYN has complained about it the last two years.

Patience is a something that I have such difficulty with.  I know many people do.  But it comes up with me more so than not. Example:

I was pregnant between Rae and Jax.  I remember life not happening fast enough and lifting my king size bed to clean something because I was mad pissed.  That night I started bleeding.  It was a week before I knew for sure I had lost the baby.  A week…an excruciating time for someone waiting to know if their baby’s heart is beating.   Looking back, one of my best friends sent me two words…two words she often sends me.  “Be patient”   See, even she knows it’s a problem!  Even the time of trying for Jax was tormenting for me…when it should have been fun.  After every negative pregnancy test, the Universe was telling me “Be Patient” .

It has popped back up lately.  This is the lesson the Universe has for me.  It’s gonna teach me patience if it has to beat me with it.  I was super frustrated about life a couple weeks back,  And I got this message with that cute little kissy face emoji: “Be patient” (Thanks Rie)

I want to get things done and accomplish great things…NOW! Fuck patience.  At least that’s what I tell myself.

You see, we live in a world of “we gotta have it now.”  The truth is, the best things in life are cultivated with patience.   Connections take patience.   Love takes patience.  Friendships need patience.   Success requires patience.  The finest ingredient in the making of your greatest accomplishment…that’s right…patience. Shit, even baking requires patience.

So what are we supposed to do when we weren’t given that gift?  Breathe through every moment.  Even when it’s hard.  Listen to the Universe because I promise you it sends out messages.  There are reasons for everything.  And breathing through every tough moment, every moment when I can’t seem to catch my breath, seems to be teaching me what I need to know.  The lesson to let go and have patience has been my biggest struggle thus far but… if it’s meant for you, it’s yours….when your supposed to have it.  That’s my lesson.  That’s actually everyone’s lesson.  But I promise you, sometimes, life gives you a hint that you’re doing ok.   They are like little Tiffany boxes randomly found that are filled with a happy moment that will leave your heart full.  (or in my case since I’ve never really seen or received a Tiffany box of anything, a bite of creme brûlée without the calories! )  That’s what the gift of patience is like.

Listen, most of us aren’t going to win the lottery,  we aren’t going to marry Channing Tatum (if that’s your thing of course) and we aren’t going to ever achieve complete and total perfection.  But ya know…if we can just muddle through with a little bit of patience…life will give you a little reward.  Your own little Creme Brûlée… (I like dessert and wine…what can I say).

I wish you all of the best things in life…most of all…patience!

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Until Next Time…

DP Babbles

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Childlike Resilience…

8 May

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The other day I was called down for a pediatric trauma.  There was a domestic altercation between two people. One spotted a pot of boiling of water on the stove and thought inflicting pain on the other would be a great idea. The problem with this? They threw it on a little girl who was innocently in the way.  Someone threw a hot pot of boiling water on a kid… let that sink in a second. We all stood there gowned, gloves, bonnets and masks with anguished faces. The cops and the paramedics looked destroyed. But this four year old lay there with her skin basically hanging off and blisters all over her face, bravely listening and following directions despite this horrid thing that had just happened to her.  A bit later I had given her morphine and was wrapping her burns when it occurred to me…she’s so brave and resilient. She sat up and almost helped me for a bit. Children are so damn resilient. She will heal and her body may carry scars but she’s going to be ok. Over and over again I see kids overcoming things that you couldn’t imagine…why can’t we be like that as adults? 

Why can’t it be easy to overcome the hurt that others inflict on us. Why do we carry that with us? Why are emotional wounds so hard to heal? Let go. Forget it. Choose happiness. There’s a million quotes like that. I’ve heard it’s easy… I have found that it’s not. 

Why do words hurt? When apologies are sincere and even when there aren’t any apologies. Why do the words stick so that they pop up at the most inconvenient times to make us doubt ourselves? 

Why do lack of words create a hole of uncertainty? What’s the stupid quote about that? No response is a response.  Shouldn’t we mean more than not being responded to? Or do you mean enough to someone that a response can’t even be given.  

Why do we second guess ourselves all the time. Why do we worry what people think of us? Is it because some have jumped the gun and assumed the negative in us already? Or do we really believe the shit other people shovel out?  

We’ve been conditioned our whole lives.  Those who hurt, seem to hurt others. Those who love, hurt themselves trying to love those who hurt.  There are people out there who see the positive in people, and they would move Heaven and Earth to make them believe it. There are others who will always believe the shittiest things about people around them. 

So what’s the point. I’m rambling on about a kid being burned and then going on about pain adults inflict on each other.  I think that if I could wish anything, I would want to wish childlike resiliency to anyone who is in pain. 

I’d wish happiness, true happiness to everyone who can’t seem to have it. 

I’d wish everyone who masks who they are and what truly makes them tick an opportunity to freely be themselves, even just for a moment.  To not have to tuck it all away. I’d wish them to feel comfortable in their most vulnerable times.  

I’d wish those who can’t give their words, the ability to speak with their heart.  I wish for meaning behind no responses.  I wish for a break in pain for everyone. 

I’d wish kind words for those filled with anger and harsh tones.  I’d wish amnesia on those who cower with the memory of angry words. 

I’d wish positivity to the negative. I’d wish clarity to the confused. I’d wish true unconditional love to the unloved. 

I’d wish childhood resilience on everyone. Alas, life is harsh. Reality can be bitter. And we have been raised into a society that doesn’t always see the forest for the trees. 

I want to change that.  I want to believe in myself. I want to believe in those I care about and those who care about me.  So I’m going to try and look forward with less bitterness, and more empathy.  I will try and see the world through the eyes of a child. I will try and see the good in me. Maybe if we all started within, the light would reflect out. 

I’m going to pray that little girl doesn’t grow up to be jaded and that she carries love in her heart. That although physical evidence of that fateful day remains forever, her heart will be full of love and she will change her little world. 

I’m going to pray that those I love, see the good in me and themselves. I will always see the good in them.  I will pray for words when there are none. And kindness instead of anger. 

I don’t want anyone’s perfection…just the real. And the real comes with the jaded, it comes with the anger… but sometimes just take a breath and look in my eyes and heart…I promise there’s going to be some light in there. I’m saving it for my peeps. I promise.  We all have darkness and light in us. When they play together properly…it’s the perfect piece of Heaven.  Never forget how was amazing those nooks and crannies are. We all have them, it’s just that not everyone can see them. That’s why I wish you childlike resilience. 

Until Next Time…

DP Babbles

Who made you feel that you’re not worthy?

28 Feb

2D16F77C-5897-49F0-9EEF-ED99C84AF3FB.jpegA question was posed to me yesterday.  It wasn’t random but it was certainly unexpected.  “Who made you feel that you’re not worthy?  Why do you feel like you’re not worth feeling accomplished?”  (and no it wasn’t a therapist…but I wouldn’t be shy to tell you if it was. I’m an advocate of talking it out and helping yourself…mostly)  Regardless, my cocky defensive answer was quick. “I do feel accomplished…I’m good.”  and then the stare down…”your eyes don’t say that…”  Well, damn you, lady. Damn you for making me think.  I don’t need more thinking.  Don’t look at my eyes!!

I know my answer…and the specifics don’t matter.  But the fact that everyone who reads this probably has felt this way does.  See,  I’m not over here just letting it all hang out so you can analyze what the hell is wrong with me.  I’m saying it because its something to think about, something to help each and every one of us grow.  Most of us at one time or another have felt that way for a reason or two.  So,  I want to pose that question to you: Who made YOU feel that you’re not worthy? Why don’t you feel like your not worth feeling accomplished?  You don’t actually have to tell me, but I’m all ears if you need one or two. We learn the most about ourselves by actually listening.  Some wise person probably said that…I’m not quite wise.  A little smart and sometimes witty…not wise. Whatever you’re answer…I’d like to tell you (as I have 100 times before) that you are worthy.  You do matter.  But only you can figure out how to get through your answer.

I’ll be a little vulnerable…just a little.  Don’t get all excited about it.  Some of my answer:

I did…I am the person who made me feel that I’m not worthy.  And why do you ask?  Because for every struggle to get up and tell life it punches like a bitch…there’s at least two struggles to knock you back down.  Because there are people in life who will see you as disposable.  And sometimes it’s expected and sometimes it’s not.  And there are people who want you to see your worth, but don’t treat you like you’re worthy.  And because sometimes you have to remember to take some things with a grain of salt even if it bothers you. Because life keeps happening and sometimes it gets the upper hand, and sometimes you get the upper hand.  We can’t win all the time.  I’ve allowed life to get the upper hand.  I’ve allowed people who clearly don’t give a whole rats ass about me…to get the upper hand.  That makes me 100% responsible for allowing that.

We can, however, dig our heels in, dig them in and say…fuck that.  I do matter.  I am worthy.  I’m sure its a conscious choice we have to make every day.  Much like every habit, we have to make that decision every damn day until it becomes second nature.  Take ownership over your answer and work it out.

The opinionated people in life will always be there. There’s someone reading this right now who thinks me writing this is stupid.  And if you feel that way, please stop reading.  Don’t waste your time.  There will always be people in life that discard you.  Who show you that you aren’t worthy or less important.  However, remember this… THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!  After all, we all know (most of us know) we aren’t the center of the Universe, but we are capable of giving great energy to the Universe…and making a difference.

I believe there is a reason for everything.  There is a reason I was asked that question.  And I absolutely know the things bothering me.  I also know that I hold the key to my own success.  That I am loved, and that there are those I may not get to speak to often that give a shit.  I’m appreciative of those who feel able to show love and support.  I feel honored to give love and support.    And I will slowly work through my answer.  But you have to promise to try to work through yours…after all, we are all in this together.

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul.  I wish my window wasn’t so damn clear.  I’m over here getting the upper hand on life.  Because you hit like a bitch, and slow and steady, I’ll show you who’s boss.

 

Until Next time,

DP Babbles

 

 

Wishes for my peeps…

3 Jan

B61A652E-6152-4CA4-BD47-682C4B7DB91D.jpegI have been thinking of the things I want for the new  year.  As a non believer of resolutions, I have decided that although there are things I want for me; there are things I wish for my friends. I have several friends going through things and my hope is maybe they will ring true for some of you…and that my wishes for you may be granted in the new year. I mean I don’t know if the wish maker gives a shit about my wishes, but since they are not for me, maybe he’ll make an exception.  (Yes, I think it’s a male, because clearly he likes to fuck with my head, so male it is.)

For the friend who life keeps happening in spectacular fashion to.  And not let’s celebrate spectacular fashion either, like the “something’s gotta give” fashion.  I wish you peace. I wish you more happy moments than sad this year. Above all I wish you the power to find the pieces of you that make you whole.  Notice I said pieces that make YOU whole. We can’t go around making others whole anymore. Sometimes we have to worry about us because no one else will.  I know I sound jaded, but I’m not.  I’m just thinking no one cares about us more than us…and truthfully, most don’t care at all.

To my friend that struggles with what the right decision is and when, I wish you knowledge and courage to figure that out.  Since I can’t make any decision for anyone.  I want nothing but the best for you and you deserve your heart’s desire.  So hopefully the universe helps a sista out.

For the friend who’s heart has seem to grow a little colder, at least from my view, I wish you warmth and shine.  You are worth more than you can ever imagine…don’t let life make you think otherwise.  I see so much goodness and love in you, and I pray and wish you don’t let it go. Your soul is remarkable. Don’t ever forget that.

To my friend who doesn’t quite believe she can do it…I wish you a whole lotta can do.  I’d like you to believe you can kick ass and accomplish your goal.  Get goin’ girlie…it’s all in you.

For my friend who is tired; who goes from sun up to the wee hours. Who hangs on by a string but never lets anyone know. I see you.  I wish you rest, and to run away to a beautiful island with a cabana boy who serves you drinks on a silver platter while you lay in your hammock over the beautiful clear blue waters. (Ok, I kind of wish that too…because that shit sounds amazing!!!) Never underestimate how kick ass you are.

For my friend who does for everyone, and never does for her.  I wish you a year of just doing you,.  Because seriously, you give so much, and for all the giving you deserve sometime to discover just how amazing you are.  You’ve told me a million times “you do you!”  And so I wish you that. Put you first, chick!!!!!

I think that if we look hard enough, there’s a little of us in all of these friends of mine.  And no my friends are not imaginary.   I know some of the best people…I feel so blessed.  It makes up for all the fuckery and negativity the world seems to hand out these days.

I do have some wishes for me… but in the big scheme of things, they just aren’t the biggest deal.  If they have escaped me for this long, what’s another year?  I’d much rather send you some positive vibes from the universe.  I’m putting it out there. Take it and run with it.

Wishing all of you the best this year…whatever that best may be.

Until Next Time,

DP Babbles

 

I get it… really I do…

11 Nov

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So these past few weeks I’ve been really dissecting myself. I’ve been thinking about my relationships with others and how my character flaws could be my undoing, my own little Greek tragedy. But then, we all have character flaws.  That’s kind of the point of it. I don’t think it makes any of us victims, it just is what it is. I think taking responsibility for your flaws make life more tolerable. Like, yeah bitch…sometimes I suck, I just do. And that’s life, because we all suck sometimes. (I’m so eloquent, I know…) . Shouldn’t we just be able to do that and move on?

Am I the only one who overthinks about the things they do and say and then feels dumb about it for the longest time? I do that. Sometimes to the point where I’d like to cuddle up under the covers and not talk to anyone?  Or I just keep talking and make it worse. I never mean to…but it happens.

I could be a lot to take at times.  I’m a fusser. I run my mouth. I worry about people  and their well being. I want to make things better. I want them to succeed.  This really could sound like total bullshit, but I actually mean my own bullshit. I care, and when I care…I care big. I’m sure it’s overwhelming for some. I’m trying not to give a shit, but I do. True damn story.

Here’s another one: Are you mad at me? Are you mad at me? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.  This one I’m trying to work on. I’m an expert at apologizing when I didn’t do anything.  And then when I have done something, I over apologize more. Sometimes I find myself apologizing when I’m actually owed an apology.  I actually have a backbone, but the pleaser in me wants to smooth life over. And it’s dumb. Because I deserve better than that. Am I my alone in this? I know many people like this. And I know they feel the same.

I’m a piece-y texter. I text in scattered thoughts. For those who don’t do that, I could be considered the ultimate thorn.  But again, im not the only one.  And I never mind, but some people mind. And some accept my flaw just fine, while others don’t.

I worry about what others think of me. I feel like I could ruin a friendship by doing one thing wrong. That being imperfect isn’t allowed or accepted. That should never be the case… if so, I think it’s time for new friends. And I think that but then immediately it’s my fault.  And I’m going to make it better. So I say something stupid and then want to crawl under a blanket. It’s an exhausting vicious cycle.

Sometimes, I run my mouth with hurtful sarcasm. Or I just know how to say the thing that’s going to set someone off. I never mean to cause a ruckus, but it happens. Do I think I’m alone…nope. But somehow,  I do.

This all goes back to the “I’m not perfect” attitude. If I fuck up, please tell me. I’m going to fuck up. We all are. But be respectful…have respect to tell me. And treat me with respect. Am I really the only one who feels that way? If you messed up and didn’t do the right thing, apologize damn it…and mean it!! Communication is a funny thing these days.  I’m not apologizing for breathing any longer and nor should you…but you should feel respected and loved by the people in your circle.  If not, find a new circle.

I read quotes a lot. I have favorites just as some songs would show how my heart beats. I love words. That’s not my flaw…it’s makes up the best parts of me.

Tonight as I was taking care of a patient’s son it kind of inspired me to write.  She was with her significant other and she looked at me and said “I’m really sorry I kept asking questions and being worried. I’m trying not to be a helicopter mom. I’m sorry…”  So I told her “It’s perfectly fine. You’re his mom, you’re supposed to worry. If that’s what a pain is, then as women, we are all pains in the ass.” And she giggled while her S.O.  laughed heartily. “Not all of you are pains in the ass, crazy maybe, but not pains in the ass. Without batting an eyelash I said “We’re not crazy, our reality is just different than yours!” And she lit up and said “down the rabbit hole…we all have a rabbit hole. Thank goodness for a Alice, right?”  Magic…only because somehow it’s been popping up lately in life for me over and over.

So here’s the down and dirty:

I’m not telling you what to do, but know it’s ok to admit you have flaws…and learn and grow from them.

No one is perfect…but for fuck’s sake… it would be nice to get an apology when you screw up. It’s ok to say I’m sorry I hurt you.  I’m sorry I disrespected you.  At the same time, you can’t allow people to disrespect and hurt you over and over…know your limits.

Make an effort for your people. Life gets busy, but really… a small effort goes a long way.

Don’t let go of those who see your magic. I’m so lucky to have people who have magic in my life. And while We’re at it.. tell them. If you see magic, don’t forget to tell them, you never know what’s going on behind the scenes. That could mean the world to them.

I’d like to believe there is magic in me… I think I’d like to believe there’s more magic than flaws.

I suppose all we can do is just keep trucking along… let me know if you need some magic.  I’ll find it in you…I promise.

Until Next Time,

DP Babbles

 

 

 

 

 

I am…

30 Aug

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I am. Two words. Two powerful words. The start of a sentence that could end several ways.  Two words that can give identity, describe a feeling, or tell a story.  Is there a right answer, though?  What is the right way to finish a sentence that starts with “I am”?  I wish I knew, but these are the “I am” statements that I’ve heard lately.

I am shattered.

I am not doing very well.

I am in a rut.

I am strong.

I am grateful.

I am wishing.

I am lost.

No, these aren’t all mine.  I really have heard most of these from others. However, we all question the ‘I am”.  And if you listen…people are trying to tell you what they are.  After a pretty rough summer dealing with what seems to be a never ending injury I wish would go the hell away.  This is what I am.

I am resilient.  I have times when I feel broken, but I will pick up and get through.  There is no other way to do it.  There is no giving up.

I am worthy.  I am worthy of being loved, thought of, cared for and yes, even missed. I am worthy of being strong. I am worthy of being happy.  Of being sure of myself. of loving without conditions and of having supportive friends and family when the going gets tough. I am worthy of being seen and accepted.  I am worthy of whatever identity that makes my heart beat true.

I am grateful.  For every experience and person who makes up the pieces of my heart.  I am grateful for every tear shed. For every memory that makes me smile.  Those pieces are there forever.  They make me who I am.

I am working on it.  There is no part of my story that ends with, I can’t. There is just work. Lots of work.  Lots of internal reflection. Tons of knowing the difference between holding on to things and letting go.

I am imperfect.  And I don’t pretend to be anything else.  Being imperfect means that I am a work in progress.  There is always something to strive for.

I am hopeful.  I am hopeful that I can accomplish everything I’ve ever wanted.  I am hopeful that things will make sense one day.  I am hopeful that I will be strong.

I am positive.  Positive that sometimes I’m not positive about anything.  But that everyday I take steps to rid my internal dialogue of negative.

I am capable.  of doing whatever my heart desires. Of climbing the mountains of my doubts and seeing what the view of overcoming them look like.  I hear the view from the top is breathtaking.

The truth is that I am not just these things, I am so much more.  The secret is, you are made up of all these things too.  I am inviting you to take my hand and climb to the top of the mountain.  I want you to see what the view looks like, too.

Don’t let the “I am nots” define you.  Life is more than all of the things you aren’t.  Love the people who see who you really are.  We are here for only a small amount of time…too fleeting for you not to show who you really are.

 

Until next time…

DP Babbles

 

 

Perception is Everything

15 Jul

 

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Perception: defined as a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression.
No matter how we perceive things, they say the that the world doesn’t revolve around us. Truthfully, I’m still over here trying to figure out who the hell “they” are. Sometimes, I’d like to take “them” out back and beat ’em for the ridiculous things “they” say.  However for every 20 pieces of utter garbage that “they” spit out, this is the one true statement.  I think we all caught up in it every now and again.  So it’s a valid reminder, sometimes, for us to get our head out of our asses and realize that maybe some things have nothing to do with us.

Yes, even a perfect saint  (insert eye roll here) like me gets caught up in being the center of the universe…and when I realize I’m doing it, I loathe myself for a bit.

So, let me remind you of some times that you may have thought it was all about you…but it’s really not. You’re just not that cool, peeps…and quite frankly neither am I.

When that person treated you like garbage. It’s really not about you. People who tear down and hurt you… it’s about them.  It’s about how they feel about themselves.  So when someone is ugly and treating you that way, try and remember that it’s because they’re feeling pretty ugly inside. Shit, they may actually just be that damn ugly on the inside. You just have to feel sad for them.  Yep, I know just how shitty some people can make you feel, but try and let it roll off your back. (If you figure out the secret to this, call me….k????)  The world may not revolve around  you, and the asshole induced feelings may mess with your mojo, but dig deep for the kind spirit that’s inside. If that doesn’t work, kick ’em in the shin (just don’t tell  anyone I said to).

When the closest people in your life are going through something. Take a deep breath and repeat these words… “It’s not all about me!”  And probably, mostly, it’s not. Sometimes the people in our lives can just focus on what they can. Sometimes life sucks for them…not just you. Feeling ignored? Hey genius, maybe they don’t multitask the way you do. Stop getting your panties in a wad. You’re just going to have to be patient. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care, it means they are doing the best they can. You can offer your support, your love, and your understanding. Don’t be a pain in the ass. I’m also bad at this. You’re not the only one who mucks everything up. But the beauty of true friendships and special connections are, they always remain. If not, then it wasn’t special or true to begin with. So…be accepting, and giving and patient.

How about the person who thinks everything is their fault. Hey, Pisano….even you are not the center of the universe. Nope…not EVERYTHING is your fault.  Stop apologizing for being the reason why there are earthquakes and floods. It’s not about you. Take responsibility for being a douche canoe and be done with it. You did not ruin every person’s life on the planet. Stop apologizing.

Listen…perceptions is everything.  The glass is not half empty, it’s half full…of tequila.  Just stop the madness,  take the shot already. The best part of that, you can refill the glass. Hug it out, stop apologizing for breathing and work on some positives.

On the other hand…whether you’re the asshole, the distant person, the person who’s sorry for breathing.  You are seen…someone values you (yes, even you, asshole), someone worries about you and loves you. While they are deep  breathing, you deep breathe too, and take it in. In today’s world, I promise that life is always going to suck sometimes. True friendship and connections seem to be father and fewer and things will always be busy. A little effort will always go a long way. It’s all in what you make of it. So value the asshole who values you, even in their full pain in the ass glory.

And really I’m not telling you what the hell to do. I only know what works for me…and even that could be a total crock. So, maybe this resonates, maybe not.

Either way I’m still over here, cheering y’all on. Doesn’t my cheerleadering get up look amazing? Those legs are sexy as hell, right? See, I told you…perception is everything.

Until next time,

DP Babbles

and remember

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