Because You’re Only Cheating Yourself

22 Feb

7bdac4d1-714c-4785-967e-8b49563a900a

So originally I was going to make you all piss your pants laughing about my first visit to Orange Theory.  And I promise you that one is coming soon.  I’m promising some laughing.  By next week I’ll have more material to laugh at…and by more material I mean the things that I think in Orange Theory, Bootcamp and kickboxing. I’ll also be out of this funk and will be happy to make jokes about myself for your pants pissing pleasure.  But today I learned something that made me super angry.  (Yes, super angry…cause regular angry isn’t angry enough).

This weekend was the Fort Lauderdale A1A Half and Full Marathon.   This was supposed to be my first half back after running New York.   But due to my foot injury, I’ve been unable to work up to running it without wiping out the possibility of running my favorite half in April. Sunday was a rough day for me. Not only was my momma in the hospital but not being able to participate in something that I love threw me out of whack.  I think that if you heard from me Sunday and I was odd, please know that was why. (I’m sorry).  I spent the morning blubbering a bit. Because although the race doesn’t define me, the feelings associated with the race are something I crave.  So, today, when I found out the  2nd place finisher cheated, I was infuriated.   It wasn’t as simple as her cutting the course, which she did without much thought apparently.  It was the thought she put into biking the course in the afternoon at the pace she should have been running in the morning so she could prove her time.  Who puts that much effort into cheating a 13 mile race?  Apparently that chick.

So why am I seeing red today?  Let me tell you why….

In February of 2013, I sat in a hospital room, at a whopping 250 lbs, unable to breathe.  I had pneumonia, asthma, and couldn’t run to save my life. My pulmonary function was 70%. This…this was my rock bottom.  I may be struggling a bit now.  But that was where I knew things had to change.  That I could NEVER go back. That this person was not me.  This was me hiding from…well…you. All of you. I was hiding from life and not putting myself out there.  I was closet eating pints of chocolate chocolate chip ice cream and tons of pasta.  I was known as “the pudgy pal”.  If you were a dude and you wanted to talk about screwing a chick…I was the girl that listened.    My absolute rock bottom.  The next week I started my journey into paleo and becoming some kind of runner.  Yes, I’m going to tell you that the 250 lb. me could run, and even slower than my slow now.  But there was no giving up because I signed up for my first half marathon.  I was going to do it.  So I lost 30 lbs or so and ran my first half.  Seven half marathons and one full marathon and more than 50 pounds gone later, my pulmonary function on a bad day is now 95% and on the best days over 100%.  And although I’ve been injured and in my own mind not on the cool list,  I am so far from that girl I was 3 years ago.

That’s why I’m seeing red.  I’m seeing red for every person like me who ever struggled, thin or chunky.  For every person who saw mile 9 and said “Are you fucking kidding me?”  For anyone who wanted to turn around at mile 6 but didn’t because succeeding was worth more than the pain.  For every person who ever ever heard these phrases:

“Running is bad for your knees.”

“It would be easier if you were thinner.”

“Fat people shouldn’t run.”

“You can’t!”

You won’t!”

“I don’t support you.”

“I don’t understand why this is important to you.”

“You’re not fast enough.”

“You aren’t a real runner.”

“You need to lose weight first and then run.”

You know what I have to say to the girl who cheated, and for anyone who has ever muttered any of these phrases?  Screw you!  Seriously, if you want to do it better, then lace up your damn running shoes and work hard next to me and everyone else who is working like the dickens to give their rock bottom a middle finger and farewell.    I’ve heard some of these, as early as recently. You need not go past my ass to see that running is a feat for me.  It’s not just my lungs or the size of my rockin’ ass, or my currently bum foot.  It’s the 250lb girl that still lives deep inside that doesn’t think she’s good enough.  Rest assured to anyone who thinks otherwise…I am good enough.  What she did this weekend was take the easy way out.  Those people who have hit you with the above phrases, but sit on the couch while they criticize you, should hold no merit in what you do.  But if you are anything like me, you hear them…you hear their voices mid run.  You hear them in the middle of you’re hardest moment.  You hear them at mile 25 when you’re not so sure there’s anything left.  You will always hear them.

That chick that cheated this weekend…I may not have been there, but I see her.  She disrespected elite runners, the middle packs, and the back of the packs like me.  She disrespected everyone who sweat in the middle of a race with a heat advisory where people got all their mileage in, or bowed out gracefully.  I will see her and people like her in my hardest sprint, in my last .1 of my 13.1.

Know that if you have ever had anything to say to me or anyone like me…  If you passed comments about the medals on my wall or decided that you know what a true runner is.  Or if you are the person who has told any of those lies above to anyone struggling inside, we hear you in our daily struggle.  Because of you…we can.  Because of the chick who shortchanged herself and let herself be called a winner…we can. Because of the rock bottom moment…I assure you, I will.  All of you struggling will.  All of you ready to run your first 13.1 will do it honorably for yourselves, and you will still hear those voices but they will only drive you to that finish line.  You’re only cheating yourself if you don’t.

The fat girl will live inside of me forever.  She is the reason I am where I am.  While I’m still not finished. She is the unworthy feeling that creeps out of me.  She is the person that gives me needy moments.  She is what drives me.  I was having  a moment the other day when a friend said the following to me.

“Question: Why does the cool chick always have to do with weight loss and exercise? You’re a cool chick no matter what. And you’re damn hot too (I love her…just love her for that one!) Stop being so damn hard on yourself. Look at a picture from 8 years ago.  Look  where you came from.  Look how hard you worked to get there.”

And she’s right.  The cool chick or dude is there no matter what…in all of us.  I am a cool chick, and I don’t have to cut a course by a couple of miles to look like a cool chick.  I don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea to be the cool chick.  Neither do you.  Take your rock bottom and all those negative nelly comments and stick them into your most difficult moments.  Hear them, feel how they made you feel….and then let them go.  Let them take you. Fuel yourself with them. Let them be you’re drive. You can…I can. Watch me. Watch us.

I realize this…  If you have ever told me any of the above.   If you’ve ever been negative and not supported me…watch this. Watch me.  I’m not cutting corners to get to where I’m going. And chances are, if I or anyone else has felt that kind of negativity, we aren’t going to need you hanging around in a few pounds.  None of us will.  Because no one needs that kind of negativity in life.  Us rock bottom-ers, we’ve got us…if you can’t see us for the cool peeps we are, peace, out.  There is no skipping ahead to win the race, cause the race is inside of us.

So half marathon cheater, thank you, thank you for fueling my success.  I may not have been there, but my friends were and you will be fueling them too.

Until next time…

DP Babbles

 

Obstacles

29 Jan

 

img_5934

There are always going to be obstacles in life.  And they suck but I’m learning that the way I handle it makes me suck a little more due to lack of patience.  I’ve been in search of my positive pants because one measly joint in my left foot is being such an asshole to me that it’s held me back from my scheduled goals.   And I have proven to myself if you give me a goal to meet I’m going to find a way to conquer it.  But yet this one little ouchie has been the ultimate thorn in my ass…or foot.

I’m sitting here thinking of ways I can be more positive when faced with obstacles…so I’m going to try and make it humorous. Let’s see if you can relate…

Obstacle 1:  Assholes in life.  Life is full of them.  The one’s who can never admit they’ve done something wrong.  The ones that hurt feelings and can’t admit that maybe they sucked just a bit for a moment.  We all suck sometimes.  Saying I admit I suck sometimes…makes you less of an asshole.  Positive solution?  Be the better person. By better I mean, mentally punch that shit head in the face and move on. Let go.  Chances are if they can’t recognize their jerky behavior… they never will. So groove on, hot stuff.  You deserve people in life who value your place in theirs.  Harder said than done…it won’t always be that way.  Don’t force people…it only chokes you out in the end.

Obstacle 2:  Worrying.  I’m a worrier.  Most of the things I worry about never actually happen. It’s totally useless to worry.  But we all do it.    I worry about money, kids, work, people.   None of that shit worries about me.  My kids mean well but they don’t know what worry means.  So what positive thing can we do to not worry.  (I’m totally flying blind on this…)  Let’s create a rule: If it doesn’t give a shit about us, don’t give a shit about it. Plan for finances, but don’t let it make you sick.  You have no choice but to worry about your kids so suck it up.  Work doesn’t worry about you…have a glass of wine and say cheers.   And you never cross some peoples mind so…just stop worrying about them.  If that doesn’t work I could propose 50 push ups per worry.  Or 100 squats per crappy person your worrying about.  Ok, ok so you may still worry, but dat ass though after those squats, #amiright?   Besides if you truly did that, you’d be sore enough to not worry your pretty little head.  Right?  I’m a damn genius!!!

Obstacle 3:  Injury.  This has been my thorn.  It’s actually kept me quite down.  But today I’m vowing to turn this negative into a positive.  I’m going to just do my best.  If my best is modifying every exercise until I’m “normal” then, so be it.  I may have to do plank and push ups on my knees but I showed up.  (and my knees got some work in too!) Doing something is better than the nothing I was doing a month ago.  If I show up to exercise, chances are my thighs are still cheering but everything is working through the cheers.  The people who want to see you succeed, will make sure their thighs are cheering for you too! And the people who aren’t…see Obstacle one and two.  F*ck that shit.  Let go, do 50 pushups and 100 squats.  You feel better now, right?

Obstacle 3: Life.  Sometimes it’s just not fair. While it would be great to have a time out and a two year old tantrum, it just can’t work like that.  Life is just not fair.  We take the good with the bad, the assholes with the real friends, the brussel sprouts with the great big hamburger and fries (I’m hungry).  Sometimes life can’t help to be a big piece of liver and onions with a side of spinach (I like those, I but I’m sure most readers won’t).  Sometimes we just have to accept the lesson learned and that’s the positive.  The positive is that life is a roller coaster and the tough times don’t last. Tough people do.  Hey, you…you sassy amazing bitch of a chick, you are tough. And whether its any of the above mentioned…you can get past it.  I mean if you think that a bunch of f*cking assholes and a bum toe joint is going to get in my way, I’ve got news for you. Watch this asshole run right past you assholes.

So what can you take from this?  Really whatever the hell you want.

All I’m saying is this…don’t feel forced to be part of my life, or anyone elses.  I’m not groovy with forced friendships.   Don’t be an asshole, but if you happen to, it’s ok to apologize for that.  We all suck sometimes. Work through that injury.  Replace injury with whatever is ailing you currently.  And live life, but don’t be a whiner.  Try and replace your negative drawers with positive panties.  And be kind if you can…the sincere kind of kind.

No one is perfect. Stop pretending to be or expecting everyone around you to be.  Psssst. We are all flawed…and we all have obstacles.

I am forever flawed and hope to be fully accepted for all of them, but totally ok if I cannot.

Until next time…

DP Babbles

(the squatter of squats and pusher of push ups)

 

The Crazy Day of Me…

8 Jan

img_5503

Do you ever get a little overwhelmed with the wheels that spin in your head.  I’ve recently had a few of things going on in my personal life that have kind of spun my wheels in the opposite direction they were going.  Spinning to the point where I don’t feel like me some days.  Today was a tweener day for me.  It has nothing to do with an actual “tweener” you sickos.  It’s a day of transition to a new adventure, a new way to get the “me” I love back.

Yesterday I was excited for a new adventure, but exhausted after two hours of sleep post work call and a couple bottles of champagne.  So today was a day where the kiddos and I chilled.  By chill I mean I lay in bed acting like an asshole and letting my wheels spin.  So I slept on and off, neglected to eat and thought about whats to come.

I’ve been working on me for a long while but the last couple of months I kind of lost that strong chick, the confident one who’s happy.  I wish the pre-marathon me knew what to expect of the post marathon me.   I wish I didn’t have such high expectations of what post marathon me would be.  But tomorrow, I’m going to forgive her (talking about yourself in the third person is fucking stupid!) and move on.  I seriously hope that all of the people who noticed a shift in confidence and personality can forgive me too.

So last week I began training with my running coach again.  And I felt more alive than I have been in two months.  And tomorrow I begin a dedicated  journey to finish the one thing I promised myself I would finish.  I am finding my goal weigh/body, and the girl I knew a month or two ago.  It’s a promise I’m making to me in front of my few readers.   Yes, for everyone who tells me I’ve come a long way, you’re right.  I have the before pictures to prove it.  But  I’m not done. And there’s a tattoo at the end of this goal.  (don’t tell my mom yet!lol)

The thing about life is that we can’t all be perfect.  We make mistakes. We utterly fuck up in awful ways. We also have the ability to forgive and heal.  We have the ability to kick our own asses in to gear.  We have the ability to move onward and upward.   We have the opportunity to support each other.

My aunt texted me the night before I ran my marathon.  She reminded me that the race doesn’t define me.  That running never did.  That what defines me is the woman I am.  She’s right. I forget that.  I really forgot that.   How lucky I am to have people who really know and accept me for the me I am.  If your one of those people, thank you. Know that even when I struggle, I absolutely accept you.  I’m a needy little bitch about it sometimes.  But I promise, I accept you for the imperfect person you are.

I certainly appreciate all of the support I have received in the past and all the support and incentives to get me to my next destination.

So…Laura and Katie will be kicking my ass.  I see a Asbury Park Half Marathon in my future and a new me before 40.  I see that badass strong bitch right in front of me (even when my grammar and spelling suuuuck!).  I’m coming for her.  And I appreciate your support in the process.

For those that need a little inspiration, it’s all in you.  Right inside your heart.   And I know that now.  So from here on out … Let’s be bad ass together.

No regrets…(it’s all part of the journey)

Until next time,

DP Babbles

Misunderstood

30 Dec

img_5181Life’s a bitch. It doesn’t have to be but in the process of learning and being one with your journey, inevitably shit happens and life just bitch slaps the f*ck out of you.  I’m tired of the bitch slaps. Not that life is horrible but there are some days that I’d like to bitch slap it right back.

Like when you are disappointed by people in life who always seem to know how to make you feel like an asshole.  You just try to do right by everyone and yet, you always feel like a second class citizen who can’t ever seem to get it right. Do you know those people? I do and it’s sucks. They are there to teach us lessons.

Does everything in life have to be a damn lesson. Maybe I just don’t want to learn anything. Maybe I just want to smile and laugh and have a good damn time. (Ok, I know how to have a good time…but still…we all have these moments)  I would like to easily shake that shit off in the new year. Hey universe…can I have that?????

How about those moments when you are all discombobulated and people keep taking what you say the wrong way. Then you just feel like a total irritating pain in the ass because you want to make it better, but you can’t.  I hate hate, hate being misunderstood. I really like being a cool chick, but sometimes we all have nerdy emotional moments…cause we’re chicks (or sandy vaginas if you’re a dude)  And chances are when we are misunderstood, others don’t really give a shit how we feel. Not being the center of the universe is rough, right? Lol  I wish others could be as sensitive to my feelings as I would be to theirs. But the fact is, it doesn’t really matter…I find it’s a quality that’s really rare these days. I’m not sure why. I’m mortified by making someone feel bad or upsetting them. Maybe I’m just going to say f*ck that in the New Year. Make your own damn self laugh.  A little effort in life goes a long way…but you only have control over you. So, I’ll control me. And I’m sure I’ll still be putting way too much effort into it.  And once I put too much effort into it and I feel dumb enough, I will nine times out of ten say something shitty to push away anyone who I’ve remotely felt stupid around. That’s what I do. All the time. (You see this viscious cycle…it’s tiring, right? I’m so not alone in this)

I like when you’re upset and people just tell you to let it go. If that were easy, I’d be letting every damn thing go. My cares, my anxiety, my bitchiness, the people who treat me shitty… just leave it there on the sidewalk like trash for someone else to deal with.  Boom…gone.

Thars what I’d like to do for the new year. The secret is I have absolute control over that, we all do. It’s a tough lesson that I haven’t figured out yet. If you people figure it out, tips are accepted!

I care…I just do. And I’m never going to be the gal who doesn’t. I care what people think of me. I think most of us do. And if you’re just like me (a fun, funny, kinda cute, but sensitive…sensitive as hell chick !!!) I’m sending you knuckle bumps. You’re ok, kid. Worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.

So there, my friend…you don’t have to do anything in the new year. You are totally fine just the way you are. Just love yo’self and do the best you can.  If someone can’t see past your imperfections…maybe that’s just going to be ok, even if it stings a bit. I see you, all of your imperfections…and I think they are amazing. You just bitch slap life right back!

Until Next time…

Happy New Year

DP Babbles

 

 

 

 

Christmas, New Years & The Road Ahead

21 Dec

img_5006The holidays are fast approaching.  Before you can blink everyone will be waking up to Christmas, sticking baby Jesus in the Manger and making New Years Plans.  I’ll be ringing in the New Years with just me and the kiddos.  We’re going to make our own crazy party.  (Don’t get too excited for me!)  It’s been a year of some incredible highs, some great fun, some lows. It’s life, and how it’s supposed to be.  I’m all sorts of proud, happy with a sprinkle of sad all in one.  So I wanted to let you know the things I was wanting for you (and for me) as the New Year approaches.  I know we agreed to not exchange presents, but I’m a giver…and so you will take my well wishes and like it.

I want to give you the gift of peace.  Peace to know that you really are doing the best you can.  That life really is about being nice to yourself sometimes.   I unfortunately will tear myself up just to try and make sure everyone else is ok.  This…this is NOT ok.  Don’t do that. There’s a way to  do your best for you and not be a dick to others.  I hope you middle ground. I hope I do too.  So don’t get too mad if I give myself a little peace, too.

Please take this gift of laughter from me.   There is nothing I love more than to see others laugh and smile, even if its at my expense.  All of you Grinch-types, just let it go. You need to laugh.  You’re just going to feel a whole lot better about life.  When I’m in shitty one word bad mood mode, there is nothing that makes that so much better than a really good laugh. It doesn’t take much to turn my bad moods around.  Smiling really is my favorite, followed by inappropriate jokes and sarcasm.  So laugh damn it!

Can I offer you a shoulder to cry on?   Sometimes life sucks a fat one, mainly because we have unrealistic expectations of life, people, etc.   There is nothing better than blasting your radio to some sad Air Supply song just to get it out.  We need this in life too.  Don’t want to do it alone. I’ll pick your ass up, and we can do it together.

I wish you a whole year of being the third car back at a red light and not having the douche canoe behind you beep his horn as soon as the light turns green.  Actually, shit…take a whole year of no red lights on me while were at it.  I’ll take the traffic away too.  Ha! I know this is unrealistic.

Here are some of my wishes.  I will wish them for you if it relates…

I wish for getting back in the game.  What game do you ask? Whatever game will give me purpose and make me feel like a bad ass again.  This has been a rut like no other and I’ve had to dig deep for patience.    Patience is not my virtue.  I have a goal, and I can see it.  I can feel the fog lifting and I see that bad ass chick. I know her well, I just forgot her for a bit.  She needs a cape and some hope…but I will get there again…and do even better.

I wish not to let people take advantage of my kindness.  I have a good heart, and with it comes a soft shell at times.  I really can’t ask people not to be assholes. So really, I just want to harden my shell a bit, not wear my heart on my sleeve.  You want to talk to me when its only convenient for you, you may not get my immediate attention like you normally would when you actually want attention.   You want to talk shit about me, I’d like the gift of busting my give a damn.  Some days I want to be a total bitch when people treat me shitty.  But I can’t until I’m really done.  That’s the thing though, when I’m done…I’m done.

Lastly, I wish to have some damn patience. Patience for myself and just to learn that instant gratification isn’t always the best kind of gratification.  Most people have this issue. Sometimes we just had to let go and let life play out.  Let it ride.  The control freak in me can’t do that.  I am my own crown of thorns…

All of these things I’ve wished for, for you and for me…these are all attainable things.  (except the traffic and red lights, you’re shit out of luck on that one!).  It’s all inside every one of us. Right inside your heart.  So I can wish them, but we actually have to put some work into it.  So go inside that trusty noggin of yours and dust off the tools you need.

I have a hammer ready.  I’m going to bust my give a damn and learn all about patience!

Wishing all of you a Very Merry Christmas or whatever you happen to celebrate.  May you have greater blessings than the presents under the tree, and a year full of goals (not resolutions cause those are stupid!!!!) to strive for.

Your cheerleader always (unless you’re a douche canoe),

DP Babbles

Getting Comfortable Outside of Your Comfort Zone…

13 Dec

img_4657

 

It’s been over a month since I’ve run more than one mile.  One month of ants in my pants and one month of a foot injury that has made doing what I love impossible.

I went to the foot doctor and he did say I could run. But that I have to start at square one again. And cross training. Lots of swimming.

Well, you wanna know what I do worse than running…swimming.  After a coach phone session, I agreed to give swimming a whirl.  Swimming is going to make me a better runner after all. My first day at the aquatic center and I wanted to go crawl back in my hole. The pool felt huge, and it was more crowded than I wanted it to be. And there were men in Speedos and chicks sporting their athletic swim suits.  I’m not there yet.  I’ve got goggles… and the wrong swim cap and my trusty Victoria Secret swimsuit on.  We have to start somewhere. This is all I kept saying to myself as I stared at the water.

img_4471

 

So I took the plunge. Panic attack and all. And I lived.  I watched the runner next to me glide effortlessly through her laps while I stopped and sputtered and prayed the life guard wouldn’t have to rescue me. Aaaaannnndddd I lived. It took me thirty minutes and I didn’t even get a mile done. So now I’m fucking determined to get better. But first, be better prepared. Don’t say yes to meeting your husband to lunch when your soaked. “Donna, do you have pants on?” “Hold up, I wasn’t prepared for lunch. I wasn’t naked but I can’t get my running pants on wet!” “Jesus…you’ve been driving around without pants!!!” “It’s a bathing suit bottom…and I’m wrapped in a towel, dummy. Calm down!” Do you know what he should have worried about? Going to lunch with Mrs. Soggy Tits McGee over here. That’s right, I took a bathroom selfie of it.  I’m not even ashamed!!!! You know you giggled.

img_4472

So during lunch I made sure I told him my plan. I have to get better at swimming, too. My plan…the way everyone learns these days. Straight to YouTube, baby!!! And that’s what I did.  I watched dudes in itty bitty bottoms tell me how to kick and breathe and turn my body.  And I sat there mesmerized, mostly by the itty bitty bottoms and chiseled abs…but also by the skill.   Skill…yep, it was skill. (They weren’t that cute anyways!)

So I decided to give it a go at my community pool.  Today’s adventure was to try and master some of this without drowning or making an ass out of myself. And what really happened?  At least I didn’t drown.  I was full on making an ass out of myself in front of two ladies who didn’t speak English. Fucking great. They are going to make fun of me and I can’t even laugh at their jokes. So they sat there talking and eating apples while I gave it my all. By giving it my all, I mean realizing when I turn my head to breath, my damn head is still in the water. And that I can kick like the dickens.  But the ground breaking moment was when my head hit the wall because I’m so directionaly and spatially (is that even a word?) challenged. Oh, where the hell is the rock I want to crawl under. I wish I spoke French right now…I don’t really need to because the giggles from the sidelines say everything.  Fuck it…I’m just going to keep on swimming. Literally and metaphorically! So 31 minutes later, I had a measly mile done. I’m going to watch more videos and try again today. I’m going to make swimming and running my bitch…once I get rid of this headache.

Today’s lesson. Make being uncomfortable your new comfort zone, even if you suck at it!  And never stop trying. Sometimes your breakthrough happens just before you’re ready to throw in the towel.  Screw it.  If I’m going to look stupid,  I’m going to do it big and make sure you laugh while you watch me do it!  And even if I’m dying inside, you may not know…I’m still over here fakin’ it til I make it. You can do the same and make it look amazing!!!  No quitting allowed. Call me if you’re ready to quit. I’m not going to let you.

Until Next Time,

DP Babbles (with a lump on her head) lol

 

 

 

It Finally Happened

5 Dec

img_4411

I’ve been sitting around waiting for it. I braced myself after a year of living the future 26.2 miles and I just waited.  I tried to plan so it wouldn’t happen.  I have been fighting this freaking foot injury.  I’ve barely been able to run, but I’ve been in my garage making friends with my weights and kettle bells.  They were going to save me from every tear I never intended to cry. I tried to make goals and kick my own ass…nope.  Wednesday evening I went to work just like normal me…came home Thursday and woke up feeling all kinds of empty.  I found myself biting back the tears. Here it was, the Marathon let down.  It all came crashing down.  I even held my shit together out the door on the way to work. Not sure if the hubs noticed but I texted him later just to prep him for a few deep breaths.  I cried my way to work like a baby.  Pulled my shit together for a second to get into to work, but they knew.

I saw eyes on me opened wide.  I’m usually pretty perky and I dance and giggle through most of my shift so these moments are unusual. “So you know my usual Tuesday after Half Marathon Sunday? It came late this time…” I barely squeaked out before silent tears rolled down my face.  It was instant surrounding of love.  I’m so lucky they all get me.  I truly love my work family as they have been such cheerleaders when I was nervous, down or didn’t think I could.  It was like a group hug. I mostly felt better but I’ve been weepy on and off for days.

I was so nervous about the foot doctor.  What if he told me I couldn’t run. What if it was worse than I thought.  And it wasn’t mostly.  But I have the patience of a gnat and this grand plan in my head.  I’m a do-er. I have to see this plan through. I’m my own f*cking crown of thorns.  I’m hard on myself and need to learn to be flexible with my plan.

Then, today it hit me during a chat with my coach.  She said injuries are lessons.  This isn’t just a lesson in my limits and how far was too much (apparently running for 8 hours can injure you! Who the hell knew! ). It was a lesson in patience and flexibility.  I suck at change.  This…this shitty foot injury is going to teach me how to get more fit and accomplish my goals other ways.  I’ll run again soon, but I have to do other things.  I have to try harder and get better at other things too.  My foot doc called me an athlete. I better put my pretty girly athletic panties on and act like one.

So swimming it is and I’m going to rock that shit too…even if I stink at it. I’m going to swim my ass off. (hopefully literally)

So, it’s been a ton of deep breaths and sometimes a tear or two sneaks in but I really feel I’ve held it together.

I’ve even been trying to purposefully not shut myself off like I normally would.  I’ve forced myself not to be sad.  I always preach that sometimes you just have to feel the feels…I don’t want to.  I want to plan and move on and kick some ass.  I want to ignore the feels. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for what happens when its all said and done.  It was worth all of this.  Running 26.2 miles was worth ever tear currently running down my damn face.

I was standing outside tonight talking to my daughter when I got a text from out of the blue.  A friend, who I’ve been lucky to have since the day I timidly walked into Volleyball tryouts my first day of high school.  Facebook has reconnected us and I couldn’t be happier about that.  She was our fearless leader…she is a fearless leader… that has never changed.

img_4410

You know, God puts everyone in our lives for a reason. God knew I needed her today.  And I am grateful.  Some tears snuck out before I responded.

I did forget something.  I forgot what happened almost a month ago.  I forgot the months of blood, sweat and tears.  She even reminded me that there was a time not so long ago that I was sick and not breathing well but I came back from that fighting like a soldier and hit a half marathon PR.  I needed to be reminded that I have fought and I have fight left. And I am going to fight…I am a finisher.

We all have situations that set us back.  And it suuuuucccckkkks…with a big fat capital S!   There is a lesson in every set back.  It may not make much sense at the time.  But it will. It will make sense when God, or the universe or whatever you happen to believe allows you to see it.  And maybe, just maybe you’ll allow yourself see the greatness in you too.  If you doubt it, I’ve already told you I’m here…just ask me to kick your ass and give you a reminder.  I’m good people like that.

I haven’t been good people lately.  I’ve been terrible company and I’ve been a less than fun. But what goes up must come down, right?  So I came down…but I’m evening out and movin’ on.  Who would have thought that running would teach such life lessons.

So never forget that even when your not feeling so great, there are people who think you are…like me!!!!  That pull back on your sling shot…it’s only meant to catapult you to the next level.  So get groovin’ peeps…you got this!

#noregrets

Until Next Time…

DP Babbles