Archive | December, 2017

My Children’s Christmas Lists: Keepin’ It Real Edition

15 Dec



Christmas is around the corner and while some of you are loading up on a tree full of gifts to bombard your kids with, some of us are just trying to keep our shit together until this magical day.

I’m not here to judge. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you load up on presents or not. If you can then great. If you only stick a couple of those bad boys  under the tree, that’s perfectly fine too.  This is not a “I’m not going to be that parent who:” judgement zone. I’m not that asshole. If you are…back it up to the next blog post. If you want to have some fun and hear what I’d like to give my kids for Christmas, read on and share in my joy… (but don’t tell my kids I’m not in the Christmas spirit, I’m faking it til I make it this year)

For those who don’t know, I have a 7 year old boy and an 11 year old girl.  My 7 year old boy is the entertainer, the comedian. The things that fly out of his mouth always have some wow factor, as do some of his Christmas list requests. At first it was 20,000 Pokémon plushies.  All of them, Pikachu, Pew Pew, Lickaduck. Some of you are googling these names right now. Please don’t bother. Because I didn’t.  I’ll draw these little assholes for my kid to color when he asks, but I’m not learning their names. I’m certainly not buying a plushie that looks like a cat with a dildo coming out between its legs.  Do you know why? Because in 10 minutes he’ll change his mind. And it’s going to be my tired ass picking the plushies up. Do you know what I want to get him?  His own dust mop and broom so when he comes home from school and empties his sandy shoes out onto the family room floor,  he can clean his own sandy mess up.  Do I have a broom and can I make him do it with mine. Abso-fucking-loutely. But if it’s “his toy”, maybe it’ll be more fun. Better yet, maybe even his own vacuum.  It only lasted an hour before he came out with a new list.  The golden stuff: Golden bedspread, Golden curtains and golden slippers with golden pajamas. My seven year old wants to become the youngest pimp in America, ladies and gents…or he’s just letting a little of his Italian (Nutalian) ass show.  Dude, I’ll buy you some golden drawers if you do any of the following: lift the seat up when you pee, flush, brush your teeth without a reminder…did I mention lift the seat when you pee? You want the whole golden bundle?  Get up in the morning without a hassle…I’ll lavish you with a golden bedspread for crying out loud.  So now I’m just wondering if I can get him something that will reach out and slap him in the face if he doesn’t raise the toilet seat. Not a hard slap either, so put your phones down and stop dialing Child Protective Services…just one that will say, hey bone head,  pick up the damn seat!

My daughter  was very specific with what she wanted. And it was only a few things. Specifically she wanted an IPhone 7, a case for it and a new pop socket.  She’s a good girl and seriously deserving. I was THAT Mom, though. The one that said, my 11 year old isn’t getting a phone. I was that judgey parent that some of you are being right now.  Keep judging me…I don’t give a shit. Seriously though, I’ll tell you what I want to get her but first, please know she’s almost taller than me and now the same shoe size as me. Do you know what that means? What’s mine is hers! Damn it! This week it was chilly ( Florida chilly) and she came into my room every morning to raid my closet. “Mommy, can I wear your jean jacket?” “Mommy, can I wear your Orange Theory jacket?” “Hey mahhhhhhh, how about your Jersey Shore running jacket?” Hey girlfriend, you’ve got 20 sweaters in your wardrobe…how about those? So, I think I’m just going to wrap some of my clothes up and put them under the tree. Maybe I can get a few new outfits for myself out of it. I also think I’m going to go out and buy a new pair of kick ass heels, wrap them and put her name on them. When she opens them on Christmas, I’m going to act super excited for her and ask if I can borrow them (I mean, she can’t walk in them anyways! I’m helping a sista out!) If she likes my taste in clothes but doesn’t like when I buy her clothes, you know what “they” say? TREAT YO’SELF!!! I kid, mostly. There definitely won’t be one thing under the tree for me. What I want won’t fit under there.  I don’t want anything material. Get your head out of the gutter.

This won’t be the most extravagant Christmas in terms of quantity, but truly, even though I’m bah-humbug this year, I want to see the magic in their eyes.  And all of you, do whatever the hell you want. This chick isn’t judging. And if anyone else is…buy them a plunger to help them get the stick out of their ass.

Really though…have the happiest of holidays and may your days be merry and bright…if they aren’t bright, I can’t promise help this time….I’m working on putting batteries in my own lights to brighten shit up (did you guys think that was a vibrator reference? It wasn’t! It’s all about rechargeable now…get with the program!)

In closing I was just wondering if getting the game Twister for your kids when you really want it for yourself because you were deprived as a kid and never had it is bad? (Asking for a frie….just kidding, I bought it for me…I’m not even sorry about it!) Who wants to play?

Until next time!

DP Babbles