Archive | October, 2017

Brutal Honesty

12 Oct

 

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I haven’t written anything lately.  I haven’t felt I’ve had much to say.  And I’ve poured my heart into another writing  project which has given me writer’s block three paragraphs in.  Not because I don’t know what I have in mind for this project, but because I can’t seem to get it all started the way I want.  I’m trying too hard.  And the brutal truth…is that sometimes trying too hard makes it even harder than it has to be.  And that got me thinking that maybe I have something to say after all.  And for you all, not for my little pet project that I’ll eventually rock when I let go and let it flow.  Writing puts it all out there to be judged.  Putting out your most vulnerable is the hardest thing you can do.  People can break that shit in a second.   Not the funny dirty jokes that I can spin  a hundred different ways, but letting out your talent.  What if its not good enough?  What if my words don’t matter? What if no one cares what I have to say.

And then it kind of put today into perspective for me.  I woke up in a totally shitty mood.  My son wouldn’t get up he was crying about how tired he was.  It was weigh in/ measurements day and it just kept going  in that shitty direction.  I got to Orange Theory to workout, no caffeine, no BCAAs, not even time for a banana. I started working out and 13 minutes in…I couldn’t get it going.  40 is looming for me at the end of the month and my one damn goal that I’ve been working my ass off for, isn’t happening.  So as I made an honest attempt at a one block at a time effort, I felt the tears coming.  And there’s no way I’m letting that out there, so I excused myself and left.  I showed up…I showed up and I was determined but my body kept saying no.  So now I felt even shittier than my morning started.  You think I went home and ate some breakfast…nope.  I fell into bed and went right back to sleep hoping to wake up with a better attitude.  I have barely given myself a day off.  I even wallowed my way to my favorite bakery with the kids and thought my very favorite lemon cupcake would be waiting for me…and she was sold out of them when I got there.  I mean…for fucks sake, I haven’t had one in months. Lesson learned that not even a lemon cupcake is going to solve my “champagne” problems.

Tonight after some thought and this nice glass of pinot grigio.  I am starting to realize that I’m trying too hard.  I love the workout and I enjoy every one.  But I’m starving myself accidentally at times, and not listening to my body.  So, I may be stronger.  But I realize I have to let go a little and actually enjoy the journey.  When did I stop enjoying the journey????   Brutal honesty: When I started trying too hard. When every crumb was a guilt trip and this wine that sits next to my bed became my enemy.   They aren’t…brutal honesty. Brutal honesty, I need to calm the hell down and take a sip of my wine.  When running became about speed and not fun.  And we all hella know I’m not ever competing for speed.  But my obsession with becoming better, made it worse.  My obsession with 4 lbs has made me crumb counting lunatic.

I have put my heart into so many things and given it my all.  I’m a ” no give up” kind of gal.   I realize that its ok to take care of yourself. It’s important to have big goals, but destroying your sass over it is absolutely no bueno.  I got some answers from the peeps that help me with my nutrition, and I’m feeling better.  I’m sketch about it now, but I have a plan.  But the biggest part of my plan is to let go of the reigns a little.  Enjoy the process and to actually let my body improve and heal and do its thing.  I’ve come a long way.

Do you ever notice how you try so hard for something and the more you try, the worse you feel.  We make these promises, we write down goals, we dream…and we hold on tight to those things like they are unbreakable and iron clad.  The truth…our truth?  We’re broken. All of us are.  We’re not perfect.  And life changes and sometimes we just have to let go, breathe and enjoy it.  Everyone wants to deny the broken, but not me.  That’s why I’m here telling you I ran out of a workout to go cry myself to sleep in bed.  Not because I want sympathy or I want you to say, “God that Donna is one fucking crazy bitch!”  Brutal honesty, if you look deep, you are me too. We all have those days,  Maybe you arent going back to bed. (and no, thats not my norm) Maybe you are able to tuck it away. Maybe for you it comes out in the shower. Maybe when out on your run.  It’s ok to not be brave all the time.  It’s ok to let it out,  and then pull your shit together and let go.

So, from here on out, I’m going to do my best to not be obsessed with a number.  I mean turning 40 in an few weeks makes me think back to 30.  250 lbs and sad because that wasn’t where I wanted to be.  I can honestly say I found love for myself at 40.  I have legs that run, arms that lift, and a heart full with people I love.  I have so much…that 4lbs doesn’t matter.  What makes my heart full and my eyes happy…that’s what matters.  And those are the things that have to find a way. I am not defined by the number on the scale.  I am hoping to be defined by kindness, my sass and the love in my heart.  Brutal honesty… also it would help if I looked kick ass in a dress and heels, but first things first.  I want my joy back…happy eyes, before I was trying too hard to change a number.

I always worry about how my writing comes across.  But if I can help one person through this post, then I’ve done my job.

Know you’re never alone and that there are people like me out there who will love you for your broken…and never judge it.  Those people are keepers in life,  never cast away your keepers, people.  They are rare…

Until next time…

DP Babbles

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