Archive | April, 2017

The body doesn’t forget

23 Apr

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Yesterday was my first half marathon since running NY in November. I’ve been down and out, unsure of myself.  I’ve tried to redirect myself, make a new plan. I’ve thought about quitting running all together. I was seriously going to cancel my trip.  I didn’t feel worthy of coming up to NJ to run. The whole week was doubt. I couldn’t picture each mile.  I felt like I couldn’t plan one thing. I was tired. I couldn’t sleep. 13.1 seemed impossible. And on top of that my legs and feet were cramping. And you know everyone says “But Donna, you’ve run a marathon, 13.1 is cake!”  Not when you’ve changed your routine. Not when you are full of self doubt. Not when you’ve been injured and you feel mind fucked by that injury.

So the I packed with no order. Prayed I remembered everything and did my best not to think about it. I was a wreck the day before I left. To say I lost my sassy was an understatement. Thankfully the flight then next day grounded me a bit. The trip to the hotel…a little more peace. A walk on the boardwalk…even more.  But still…I can’t picture the miles and I can ALWAYS picture them. I’m not ready… damn it. I’m not ready.

The morning was Florida cold, and rainy. And I panicked because I didn’t have my lined shirt. I didn’t bring a throwaway and I left my warm hat at the hotel.  The rain drops started big and I couldn’t get a mental of picture the finish line. There was just no good feeling about it. But I made a decision to fake it. To make myself believe it was possible. I was going to “kick today right in the dick…”  I just decided to get engrossed in the energy, feed off of everyone’s vibe.

And ready, set, go…  It was a step by step effort. But then the rain down even more and that’s when everything connected. I love the rain. I love running in the rain. Each drop more cleansing than the last, each step more clear…  I actually forgot I was running at mile 3. And I was chatting wth a 60 year old lady who was doing a half marathon in 50’states by the time she hits 70. Wanna talk inspirational??? She’s still intending to be running half marathons at 70.  I could surely run this 13.1 right?

But then at mile 9. I felt my toes tighten and everything sucked from that moment on. But I was pushing. I needed this race and I needed my win. So every time a muscle tightened…I’d cuss like a sailor, take a deep breath and keep going.  This is what the texts look like… (thank goodness I can talk into my watch like a secret agent and it spits out words…also, thank goodness I can say Fuck…and it will actually spell it out!)

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And just like that there was only 5k left. It was a 5k full of tears and cussing. It was 3.1 miles of knowing I could do it, and then the finish line came in to view. I picked up my pace, and was almost there when everything locked up. Excruciating pain, nothing but sobs… and cheering. There was cheering from people I didn’t know. There were people pushing me to get there. There’s the magic…right there. It wasn’t in my 13.1 mile journey. It was the spirit when I had none left, when my own will couldn’t move my limbs. The people around me   Just made it ok. They picked me up, they showed me I had it left…shockingly I got past that line. Still sobbing, still locked up, but still moving.  And then I knew, running is not something I can quit. It’s part of me now. I suck at it, but it’s part of me. I’m getting better every day, but nothing beats the spirit in the race. Nothing. Because my body remembers, even when my mind doesn’t. It’s right there in my ticker.

So, those of you who doubt yourself, keep moving. Feed off the spirit of the positive people around you. There’s no giving up… because your heart remembers. It knows… you just need to give yourself a chance to see it. Take a deep breath, I promise…you’re body will remember. And if you doubt me, hit me up. Because I gotchooooooooo!

❤️ #noregrets

DP Babbles

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It Can’t All Be Pretty

11 Apr

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The other day a friend of mine messaged me and told me she needed some witty motivation. She had just lost a friend and she was struggling to her get mojo to get up and go back.  I’m really hoping my words helped her. I had struggled knowing that although I didn’t know this person who tragically passed, I knew of her. I now knew her daughters. I got a glimpse of what kind of amazing mom left this Earth.  And I trudged on…because thats what we have to do.

The next week, I was called to transport a sick little baby, one who suffered a tragic accident I know when I went to pick her up, I just felt that it wasn’t going to be the outcome everyone wanted. But I prayed and died inside every time I heard her parents beg her to wake up. As a PICU nurse, I’m never going to be able to get over the begging. The bargaining with God, the cries for a child to wake up. I excused myself and sank in tears in the bathroom., pulled myself together and went on to continue giving everything I had to save this child’s life…and clearly it wasn’t up to me. She lives in Heaven now. She rides bikes with Angels and has pizza parties with God. (That’s what I  think Heaven is like. By the way…it’s the best NY pizza served there. ) And I kept trudging forward. Because life is happening and we have to keep going.

Yesterday, after having  a great day with my kiddos and their friends, I received a call. A tearful and shocked, a friend had unexpectedly passed. She wasn’t a friend that I talked to or hung out with everyday. But someone that I had recently hung out with and laughed over wine. Someone who has children and who’s daughter has hung out with my daughter.   I was in high school with her, at least for a year. She was a fabulous mom and person. After sitting on my bed with my mouth hanging open and tears rolling down my face.  My husband looked at me and said, “You’re going to go out and run 9 miles like this?” “Yep…I have things to do and I don’t have time to stop.” So I went out…and three miles in I was running down a major street and I was done. I stopped,  sat down and cried. These were all great people. I don’t have to know them all or even intimately to mourn them. There are children without their mothers, and a family without their child. I’m done…so I walked back to the house, slowly trying to figure out how to groove on. It didn’t happen last night. And today, I wavered still.

Tonight I was just trying to get back to being positive me…the one who’s trying to inspire. The one who wants to help everyone keep going. And this is what I learned.

Its ok to stop. It’s ok to take a breath. It’s ok to say life’s not fair. It’s ok not to know why.  It’s ok cry. It’s just ok. But then I felt like maybe this was a time to examine things. And this is what I have for you.

Let people know they matter. And those people who treat you like an option, those same ones who come around only when they need something from you…stop allowing it. Love the people who matter! Don’t waste it on people who make you an option. You are NO ONE’S DAMN OPTION!

Be there. Be present. Feel the good, the bad and the ugly. And know that it’s not always going to pretty. But being present in life, you’re going to make a difference no matter how ugly the ugliest moment is.

Know your worth. Know that you are a powerful and amazing person. And that you  have pieces of yourself to offer without taking away from what truly makes you…well…you!

Say no if you have to. Say yes if you really want to.  Say what you feel.  Do you see something you like…say it! Do you feel good about something. Let someone know. Say something, stand for something.

Maybe this sounds like a whole lot of fluff. These are all basic life instructions we forget. When was the last time you saw something  you liked and said it? When was the last time you said you really wanted something…and went and got it. Don’t wait! Make it happen.

I’m so lucky to be surrounded by people who are in my corner. Who want what’s best for me. Who add to my life in so many positive ways. I’m thankful that those who treat me like an option are few and far in between. There are lessons to be learned from both. The lessons won’t always be pretty.

It just can’t. Life isn’t pretty. It’s messy and stressful. But it’s also beautiful and peaceful. Depends on the moment. Depends on the time. Depends on our outlook and what and who we surround ourselves with. So make it what you want…but know it’s not guaranteed.

And for everyone that reads this. Everyone that I’m blessed to call family and friends. Thank you. Thank you for making a difference in my life.  Thank you for making sure I know I’m not an option. Thank you for making me feel worthy and loved. Thank you. When all is said and done, I hope what can be said about me is that I tried my best. I didn’t always make the best decisions.  But I made a few pretty amazing ones too. And that I loved…I loved everyone and everything that mattered to me. And I made a small difference.

The purpose of this isn’t for you to tell me how amazing I am or blow rays of sunshine up my ass.  It’s so you know that none of us are all that different after all…that it’s not all pretty but together we can be brave enough to make sense of it all.

Love Always…

Until next time.

DP Babbles