Archive | December, 2016

Misunderstood

30 Dec

img_5181Life’s a bitch. It doesn’t have to be but in the process of learning and being one with your journey, inevitably shit happens and life just bitch slaps the f*ck out of you.  I’m tired of the bitch slaps. Not that life is horrible but there are some days that I’d like to bitch slap it right back.

Like when you are disappointed by people in life who always seem to know how to make you feel like an asshole.  You just try to do right by everyone and yet, you always feel like a second class citizen who can’t ever seem to get it right. Do you know those people? I do and it’s sucks. They are there to teach us lessons.

Does everything in life have to be a damn lesson. Maybe I just don’t want to learn anything. Maybe I just want to smile and laugh and have a good damn time. (Ok, I know how to have a good time…but still…we all have these moments)  I would like to easily shake that shit off in the new year. Hey universe…can I have that?????

How about those moments when you are all discombobulated and people keep taking what you say the wrong way. Then you just feel like a total irritating pain in the ass because you want to make it better, but you can’t.  I hate hate, hate being misunderstood. I really like being a cool chick, but sometimes we all have nerdy emotional moments…cause we’re chicks (or sandy vaginas if you’re a dude)  And chances are when we are misunderstood, others don’t really give a shit how we feel. Not being the center of the universe is rough, right? Lol  I wish others could be as sensitive to my feelings as I would be to theirs. But the fact is, it doesn’t really matter…I find it’s a quality that’s really rare these days. I’m not sure why. I’m mortified by making someone feel bad or upsetting them. Maybe I’m just going to say f*ck that in the New Year. Make your own damn self laugh.  A little effort in life goes a long way…but you only have control over you. So, I’ll control me. And I’m sure I’ll still be putting way too much effort into it.  And once I put too much effort into it and I feel dumb enough, I will nine times out of ten say something shitty to push away anyone who I’ve remotely felt stupid around. That’s what I do. All the time. (You see this viscious cycle…it’s tiring, right? I’m so not alone in this)

I like when you’re upset and people just tell you to let it go. If that were easy, I’d be letting every damn thing go. My cares, my anxiety, my bitchiness, the people who treat me shitty… just leave it there on the sidewalk like trash for someone else to deal with.  Boom…gone.

Thars what I’d like to do for the new year. The secret is I have absolute control over that, we all do. It’s a tough lesson that I haven’t figured out yet. If you people figure it out, tips are accepted!

I care…I just do. And I’m never going to be the gal who doesn’t. I care what people think of me. I think most of us do. And if you’re just like me (a fun, funny, kinda cute, but sensitive…sensitive as hell chick !!!) I’m sending you knuckle bumps. You’re ok, kid. Worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.

So there, my friend…you don’t have to do anything in the new year. You are totally fine just the way you are. Just love yo’self and do the best you can.  If someone can’t see past your imperfections…maybe that’s just going to be ok, even if it stings a bit. I see you, all of your imperfections…and I think they are amazing. You just bitch slap life right back!

Until Next time…

Happy New Year

DP Babbles

 

 

 

 

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Christmas, New Years & The Road Ahead

21 Dec

img_5006The holidays are fast approaching.  Before you can blink everyone will be waking up to Christmas, sticking baby Jesus in the Manger and making New Years Plans.  I’ll be ringing in the New Years with just me and the kiddos.  We’re going to make our own crazy party.  (Don’t get too excited for me!)  It’s been a year of some incredible highs, some great fun, some lows. It’s life, and how it’s supposed to be.  I’m all sorts of proud, happy with a sprinkle of sad all in one.  So I wanted to let you know the things I was wanting for you (and for me) as the New Year approaches.  I know we agreed to not exchange presents, but I’m a giver…and so you will take my well wishes and like it.

I want to give you the gift of peace.  Peace to know that you really are doing the best you can.  That life really is about being nice to yourself sometimes.   I unfortunately will tear myself up just to try and make sure everyone else is ok.  This…this is NOT ok.  Don’t do that. There’s a way to  do your best for you and not be a dick to others.  I hope you middle ground. I hope I do too.  So don’t get too mad if I give myself a little peace, too.

Please take this gift of laughter from me.   There is nothing I love more than to see others laugh and smile, even if its at my expense.  All of you Grinch-types, just let it go. You need to laugh.  You’re just going to feel a whole lot better about life.  When I’m in shitty one word bad mood mode, there is nothing that makes that so much better than a really good laugh. It doesn’t take much to turn my bad moods around.  Smiling really is my favorite, followed by inappropriate jokes and sarcasm.  So laugh damn it!

Can I offer you a shoulder to cry on?   Sometimes life sucks a fat one, mainly because we have unrealistic expectations of life, people, etc.   There is nothing better than blasting your radio to some sad Air Supply song just to get it out.  We need this in life too.  Don’t want to do it alone. I’ll pick your ass up, and we can do it together.

I wish you a whole year of being the third car back at a red light and not having the douche canoe behind you beep his horn as soon as the light turns green.  Actually, shit…take a whole year of no red lights on me while were at it.  I’ll take the traffic away too.  Ha! I know this is unrealistic.

Here are some of my wishes.  I will wish them for you if it relates…

I wish for getting back in the game.  What game do you ask? Whatever game will give me purpose and make me feel like a bad ass again.  This has been a rut like no other and I’ve had to dig deep for patience.    Patience is not my virtue.  I have a goal, and I can see it.  I can feel the fog lifting and I see that bad ass chick. I know her well, I just forgot her for a bit.  She needs a cape and some hope…but I will get there again…and do even better.

I wish not to let people take advantage of my kindness.  I have a good heart, and with it comes a soft shell at times.  I really can’t ask people not to be assholes. So really, I just want to harden my shell a bit, not wear my heart on my sleeve.  You want to talk to me when its only convenient for you, you may not get my immediate attention like you normally would when you actually want attention.   You want to talk shit about me, I’d like the gift of busting my give a damn.  Some days I want to be a total bitch when people treat me shitty.  But I can’t until I’m really done.  That’s the thing though, when I’m done…I’m done.

Lastly, I wish to have some damn patience. Patience for myself and just to learn that instant gratification isn’t always the best kind of gratification.  Most people have this issue. Sometimes we just had to let go and let life play out.  Let it ride.  The control freak in me can’t do that.  I am my own crown of thorns…

All of these things I’ve wished for, for you and for me…these are all attainable things.  (except the traffic and red lights, you’re shit out of luck on that one!).  It’s all inside every one of us. Right inside your heart.  So I can wish them, but we actually have to put some work into it.  So go inside that trusty noggin of yours and dust off the tools you need.

I have a hammer ready.  I’m going to bust my give a damn and learn all about patience!

Wishing all of you a Very Merry Christmas or whatever you happen to celebrate.  May you have greater blessings than the presents under the tree, and a year full of goals (not resolutions cause those are stupid!!!!) to strive for.

Your cheerleader always (unless you’re a douche canoe),

DP Babbles

Getting Comfortable Outside of Your Comfort Zone…

13 Dec

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It’s been over a month since I’ve run more than one mile.  One month of ants in my pants and one month of a foot injury that has made doing what I love impossible.

I went to the foot doctor and he did say I could run. But that I have to start at square one again. And cross training. Lots of swimming.

Well, you wanna know what I do worse than running…swimming.  After a coach phone session, I agreed to give swimming a whirl.  Swimming is going to make me a better runner after all. My first day at the aquatic center and I wanted to go crawl back in my hole. The pool felt huge, and it was more crowded than I wanted it to be. And there were men in Speedos and chicks sporting their athletic swim suits.  I’m not there yet.  I’ve got goggles… and the wrong swim cap and my trusty Victoria Secret swimsuit on.  We have to start somewhere. This is all I kept saying to myself as I stared at the water.

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So I took the plunge. Panic attack and all. And I lived.  I watched the runner next to me glide effortlessly through her laps while I stopped and sputtered and prayed the life guard wouldn’t have to rescue me. Aaaaannnndddd I lived. It took me thirty minutes and I didn’t even get a mile done. So now I’m fucking determined to get better. But first, be better prepared. Don’t say yes to meeting your husband to lunch when your soaked. “Donna, do you have pants on?” “Hold up, I wasn’t prepared for lunch. I wasn’t naked but I can’t get my running pants on wet!” “Jesus…you’ve been driving around without pants!!!” “It’s a bathing suit bottom…and I’m wrapped in a towel, dummy. Calm down!” Do you know what he should have worried about? Going to lunch with Mrs. Soggy Tits McGee over here. That’s right, I took a bathroom selfie of it.  I’m not even ashamed!!!! You know you giggled.

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So during lunch I made sure I told him my plan. I have to get better at swimming, too. My plan…the way everyone learns these days. Straight to YouTube, baby!!! And that’s what I did.  I watched dudes in itty bitty bottoms tell me how to kick and breathe and turn my body.  And I sat there mesmerized, mostly by the itty bitty bottoms and chiseled abs…but also by the skill.   Skill…yep, it was skill. (They weren’t that cute anyways!)

So I decided to give it a go at my community pool.  Today’s adventure was to try and master some of this without drowning or making an ass out of myself. And what really happened?  At least I didn’t drown.  I was full on making an ass out of myself in front of two ladies who didn’t speak English. Fucking great. They are going to make fun of me and I can’t even laugh at their jokes. So they sat there talking and eating apples while I gave it my all. By giving it my all, I mean realizing when I turn my head to breath, my damn head is still in the water. And that I can kick like the dickens.  But the ground breaking moment was when my head hit the wall because I’m so directionaly and spatially (is that even a word?) challenged. Oh, where the hell is the rock I want to crawl under. I wish I spoke French right now…I don’t really need to because the giggles from the sidelines say everything.  Fuck it…I’m just going to keep on swimming. Literally and metaphorically! So 31 minutes later, I had a measly mile done. I’m going to watch more videos and try again today. I’m going to make swimming and running my bitch…once I get rid of this headache.

Today’s lesson. Make being uncomfortable your new comfort zone, even if you suck at it!  And never stop trying. Sometimes your breakthrough happens just before you’re ready to throw in the towel.  Screw it.  If I’m going to look stupid,  I’m going to do it big and make sure you laugh while you watch me do it!  And even if I’m dying inside, you may not know…I’m still over here fakin’ it til I make it. You can do the same and make it look amazing!!!  No quitting allowed. Call me if you’re ready to quit. I’m not going to let you.

Until Next Time,

DP Babbles (with a lump on her head) lol

 

 

 

It Finally Happened

5 Dec

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I’ve been sitting around waiting for it. I braced myself after a year of living the future 26.2 miles and I just waited.  I tried to plan so it wouldn’t happen.  I have been fighting this freaking foot injury.  I’ve barely been able to run, but I’ve been in my garage making friends with my weights and kettle bells.  They were going to save me from every tear I never intended to cry. I tried to make goals and kick my own ass…nope.  Wednesday evening I went to work just like normal me…came home Thursday and woke up feeling all kinds of empty.  I found myself biting back the tears. Here it was, the Marathon let down.  It all came crashing down.  I even held my shit together out the door on the way to work. Not sure if the hubs noticed but I texted him later just to prep him for a few deep breaths.  I cried my way to work like a baby.  Pulled my shit together for a second to get into to work, but they knew.

I saw eyes on me opened wide.  I’m usually pretty perky and I dance and giggle through most of my shift so these moments are unusual. “So you know my usual Tuesday after Half Marathon Sunday? It came late this time…” I barely squeaked out before silent tears rolled down my face.  It was instant surrounding of love.  I’m so lucky they all get me.  I truly love my work family as they have been such cheerleaders when I was nervous, down or didn’t think I could.  It was like a group hug. I mostly felt better but I’ve been weepy on and off for days.

I was so nervous about the foot doctor.  What if he told me I couldn’t run. What if it was worse than I thought.  And it wasn’t mostly.  But I have the patience of a gnat and this grand plan in my head.  I’m a do-er. I have to see this plan through. I’m my own f*cking crown of thorns.  I’m hard on myself and need to learn to be flexible with my plan.

Then, today it hit me during a chat with my coach.  She said injuries are lessons.  This isn’t just a lesson in my limits and how far was too much (apparently running for 8 hours can injure you! Who the hell knew! ). It was a lesson in patience and flexibility.  I suck at change.  This…this shitty foot injury is going to teach me how to get more fit and accomplish my goals other ways.  I’ll run again soon, but I have to do other things.  I have to try harder and get better at other things too.  My foot doc called me an athlete. I better put my pretty girly athletic panties on and act like one.

So swimming it is and I’m going to rock that shit too…even if I stink at it. I’m going to swim my ass off. (hopefully literally)

So, it’s been a ton of deep breaths and sometimes a tear or two sneaks in but I really feel I’ve held it together.

I’ve even been trying to purposefully not shut myself off like I normally would.  I’ve forced myself not to be sad.  I always preach that sometimes you just have to feel the feels…I don’t want to.  I want to plan and move on and kick some ass.  I want to ignore the feels. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for what happens when its all said and done.  It was worth all of this.  Running 26.2 miles was worth ever tear currently running down my damn face.

I was standing outside tonight talking to my daughter when I got a text from out of the blue.  A friend, who I’ve been lucky to have since the day I timidly walked into Volleyball tryouts my first day of high school.  Facebook has reconnected us and I couldn’t be happier about that.  She was our fearless leader…she is a fearless leader… that has never changed.

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You know, God puts everyone in our lives for a reason. God knew I needed her today.  And I am grateful.  Some tears snuck out before I responded.

I did forget something.  I forgot what happened almost a month ago.  I forgot the months of blood, sweat and tears.  She even reminded me that there was a time not so long ago that I was sick and not breathing well but I came back from that fighting like a soldier and hit a half marathon PR.  I needed to be reminded that I have fought and I have fight left. And I am going to fight…I am a finisher.

We all have situations that set us back.  And it suuuuucccckkkks…with a big fat capital S!   There is a lesson in every set back.  It may not make much sense at the time.  But it will. It will make sense when God, or the universe or whatever you happen to believe allows you to see it.  And maybe, just maybe you’ll allow yourself see the greatness in you too.  If you doubt it, I’ve already told you I’m here…just ask me to kick your ass and give you a reminder.  I’m good people like that.

I haven’t been good people lately.  I’ve been terrible company and I’ve been a less than fun. But what goes up must come down, right?  So I came down…but I’m evening out and movin’ on.  Who would have thought that running would teach such life lessons.

So never forget that even when your not feeling so great, there are people who think you are…like me!!!!  That pull back on your sling shot…it’s only meant to catapult you to the next level.  So get groovin’ peeps…you got this!

#noregrets

Until Next Time…

DP Babbles

Just say thank you…

1 Dec

img_4346I think that starting this post out I should clarify that I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. As a matter of fact, some days I don’t feel like I’m much of anything.  This is normal. This…is life. It comes with highs and lows. And we have to get our feels of both. If we didn’t, life would be mundane. If it were all highs we would think our shit doesn’t stink and never know how to fight the good fight. If it were all lows, life would be full of tears and sadness.  We fight through the lows go get to the highs. And somewhere we all meet in the middle and deal together.

I’ve learned to appreciate both.  I came from rock bottom and at my heaviest I remember being there. And I’ve been at a high where no one’s shitty attitude could touch me.  We all mostly live in the middle.  What I’ve learned through all of it. Saying thank you for random kindness, the genuine kind, is hard stuff.

The other day I  tried to compliment a friend.  I meant it from my heart. And that person, totally blew off my compliment. It kind of pissed me off for a sec.  But then I realize I have the same problem. Damn it…you mean I’m not perfect? Can I at least be labeled as cute?

The other day I was transporting a patient from one hospital to another .  She was critical and our team worked like mad for hours to get her stable enough to transport.  Her mom begged and pleaded for us to fix her.  And she complimented us on how hard we worked over and over again. I couldn’t just say thank you. I found myself curling up not wanted to talk or acknowledge that she was in awe of the work we do. I couldn’t just say thank you.

I also have issues when people point out how far I’ve come. I know a ton of people who have come from farther…and done more amazing things. My journey isn’t over.  But instead of saying thank you, I look for reasons why I’m not further along.  I can tell you what I need to do better.

Why the hell do we all do this?  Why can’t we just say thank you? Why can’t we just feel the positive vibes? I wish I had the answer.

You look beautiful. Why thank you!

You rocked that run. Thank you!

You are an amazing human being… you’re damn right. Thank you.

We really need to stop beating ourselves up. Just stop it. You’re not perfect. And neither am I. We are broken…that’s how the light gets in. So breathe it in people. Feel the feels.  You’re doing your best. And that should be ok.

So just say thank you. Speak from your heart. Be kind. Be accepting. And when you can’t,  just be…it’s ok.

Thank you, to every person who has ever paid me a compliment that I have squashed, I’m a total dick. Thank you to each person who couldn’t give me their best because they didn’t have it in them…it showed me we can’t be perfect all the time. It also helped me realize that expectation is the root of disappointment. Thank you for every disappointment, it has taught me strength.

So expect that I’m going to be more positive. And I pay you a compliment….don’t dick out! Just say thank you.

Until next time…

DP Babbles