I wish I could be…

29 Jun

image

Disclaimer:  The point of this blog post is not because I need you all to tell me how beautiful and amazing I am, it’s just how I’ve been feeling and I think some people could relate. Not you perfect son of a beetches, though.  You perfect people need not keep reading, cause
you don’t get me…and I don’t need you to. Perfect people need not apply in my life.

Do you ever wish you were different? Maybe a little less of something or a little more of something else?  I’m not talking about picking perfect parts or wanting to look like a Kardashian or anything. (Do people still want to look like them? Blech) I’m talking sometimes do you just want to be perceived a certain way.

I know that I am known for certain things.  Especially at work. I’m known for being the nurse who will bring the vein viewer around and start IVs, dance around and sing, tell dirty jokes and start three AM talks.  I am not known for being serious and when I am, people seem to get a little nervous around me.

There is a particular patient and parent that I have recently connected with. In the mom’s worst moments I seem to have cheered her up with my dancing around and funny jokes. She even has referred to me as Donna the dancing nurse.  I honestly love her and can tell you making her smile, or any of the parents for that matter makes me happy. But it also made me wonder and doubt the other parts of me.  So the stupid schmuck in me started to think that just maybe…maybe I am an awful nurse and that I’m known more for my dancing skills (or lack there of) than my ability to be a smart nurse who knows what the hell she’s doing. I have had doctors look past me and ask another less senior nurse to verify a dose of meds in an emergent situation.  It felt horrible, because people know me as a jokester for the most part.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  Smiling and laughing, making jokes, being sarcastic and having a dirty mouth, doesn’t make me less smart. I actually realize that most of the people around me know that.  But I actually needed to remind myself of that.

All of a sudden I was wishing I was more…

Why can’t I be more serious? Why can’t I be smarter?  Why do I have to be sarcastic. Why can’t I be a better nurse. Why can’t I be a liked more?  Why…Why…why…why…   The list went on…and then turned into tears. This isn’t the part where you get all “Poor Donna” on me because fuck that shit. We all have our moments and I was having mine.  I’ll allow you yours, and you can call me, we’ll have a good cry it out session and then I’m going to tell you to put on some clean, sexy big girl (boy) panties (boxers) on and go knock shit out. I had to cry on an friend for a sec.  She made me realize some things.

I work in a sometimes sad place, where the stress is high and we all sometimes feel unappreciated.  So, what’s wrong with being DP, or Donna the Dancing Nurse? Or the one who tells dirty jokes and sings songs when I’m nervous?  Being that chick doesn’t change my ability to do chest compressions, start an IV or calculate my vasopressors. It doesn’t change that I can tell you a dose of Fentanyl or push-pull fluids in a code.  What it also doesn’t change is that I may be half unable to talk by morning and that you will laugh at me as I slur my speech before I clock out. (I crack myself up!)

What I can assure you (and myself) is that I will proudly stand by and help anyone, hug anyone, make anyone laugh.  I try to be a keeper in the supporting actress category. I am aware that there is still so much to learn and so many hills to conquer (in the hospital and out).  I also know while I’m no Einstein, I am me…and that’s not such a bad thing.

And I know for a fact we ALL have these moments. Even you jerk faces who want to act like you are all secure, smart and put together. I think it’s OK to show that you can be vulnerable sometimes.  I don’t think that makes us weak.  It makes those who take total advantage of that vulnerability absolute assholes.   I know some assholes.  But you will rarely ever see me treating them like they are assholes.  I’m a nice chick like that…mostly. I have asshole moments just like everyone else.  I don’t like to be taken advantage of. I know when I have been…even if I don’t say it out loud.

So what does this mean for the rest of the cruel world out there.  I think you should be you, even if you has some weak spots.  Show me your weak spots and know I’m your biggest fan.   F*ck those shitty people out there who don’t see you for the amazing person you are.    Being funny doesn’t mean you aren’t smart, no matter how you are treated.  And when all else fails, tell a dirty knock knock joke. Because laughter really is the best medicine.

If you need a laugh, Donna the dancing nurse will come by on her IV pole and work some magic.  But know that if you need meds or compressions…I can also help with that.

Until next time…DP

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: