The crazy things that run through my head when running.

24 May

I have always wanted to run a half marathon. Even at my heaviest weight, I have dreamt about it.  So, I decided to take the plunge and sign up to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon in Feb 2014.  I am at the beginning of my training and this is a typical conversation I have with myself during my interval runs.  It may seem a little choppy…but I’m a choppy thinker.

OK. Here I go! Disney Princess.  I can do this!

Holy shit, why do I always have to run by the lawn guys?  They should know me by now.  Shouldn’t they wave or high five me or something?  If that guy over there doesn’t stop the leaf blower when I run by I might shove it up his…(Runkeeper lady voice comes on to tell me my pace) WTF! Bitch, I feel the wind in my hair.  I am not running at a 17.46 minute per mile pace.  There must be a crack whore talking to me in my headphones.

(Jogging by the lake)  I wonder if there is an alligator in there. I mean if there was, I am sure he would be eyeing me for some din din.  He saw thigh gap lady (Blog post number 1) and he  didn’t think she had enough meat on her bones.  I look like a f’ing Thanksgiving feast to him.  If he came out of the water to eat me, I wonder if I could outrun him. I wonder if adrenaline would kick in and my ass flaps would turn into wings and I would glide swiftly away from him. (Runkeeper lady comes on again)…Shit!!! what do you mean its now 17.27 minute per mile pace.  I’m only a mile in and I have two more to go. I have to get faster than this.  Where’s an alligator when you need one.

Holy brightness Batman!  That man has the brightest yellow flip flops I have ever seen. They look ridiculous with his suit.  Oh well, he has two garages and  three pretty cars in his drive way. He probably can wear whatever the hell he wants. If I had two garages and three pretty cars I would give the nicest one to my husband because he deserves his own car, and then I would walk around the front of my two garages with no bra on and maybe even some spandex just because I could.

Was that a spider web I just ran through. Motherfu….(Runkeeper lady interrupts)! OK so I’m 17 minute per mile pace now.  If I can get below 16 minute per mile pace, I will not get picked up by the Mickey Mouse sweeper truck and I will get a pretty Princess medal.  I want a pretty medal.  I can already see that stupid sweeper truck.  It’s probably got Sneaky Pete driving. I would  feel like a total ass if Sneaky Freaking Pete picked me up in the Disney sweeper truck. OK, stop thinking about the sweeper truck, you’re going to finish and not even see the sweeper truck.

I hate running by “the preserve.” I wonder if any serial killer is hiding in the bushes and is going to try and chop me to pieces.  I’m going to run faster now so that the serial killer doesn’t catch me. My luck, he would probably cut my ass cheeks and boobs off and use them for pillows.  OK…now I’m getting delirious. Maybe I should cross the street so that I am not running next to the creepy preserve.

Oh, lake time again…(run keeper lady comes on).  You’re a whore.  I know you’re probably a nice lady, Runkeeper voice, but when I can’t catch my breath and I have an imaginary alligator and serial killer chasing me, you need to stop giving me crappy paces.  Holy shit! Was that an alligator? Pfffft! Nope, just a turtle. Come and get me little turtle!!  I can totally take you!

Justin Timberlake, I’m sweaty and tired. What do you want to do to some chick in her wedding dress. Who’s swallowing who and/ or what?  Why can’t I understand the lyrics to your song today.  Am I hearing that you want to eat some chick in her wedding dress? The hubs would hate me for totally blowing those lyrics.  I think I just made up words to a JT song and I can see my poor husband shaking his head because I bastardized another work of art. Why can’t I just know the words to the songs? (Runkeeper lady…again.)

My workout is done?  And my pace stunk. But I finished and lived to tell the tale. The serial killer went back into the preserve, the alligator went back into the lake.  I think there’s a spider in my hair…but I finished.  Maybe I can do this after all.

So, moral of the story.  Run zig zag if you ever have an alligator chasing you. If you have money, go buy some bright yellow flip flops and wear it with a suit just because you can.  If you see a chubby girl with a red face high five-ing the landscaping crew during her run  you just honk and wave at that crazy bitch because she is trying hard to finish things.  (She’s terrible at the follow through so give her an extra honk).  And remember that we all have to practice to get better at things. I think know I will finish my half marathon, and I’ll be giving Sneaky Pete a mental middle finger when I cross the finish line.


One Response to “The crazy things that run through my head when running.”

  1. Mary L. May 24, 2013 at 11:53 am #

    Run, Donna! Run!!! And I too suffer from lyricosis (the inability to remember actual lyrics so you sing whatever the f you want. Welcome, the support group is awesome!)


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