The Things I Wouldn’t Do For Free (or even discounted)!

10 May

The other day I received a text from a friend.  We will call her Pink Cupcakes and Roses.  I actually do call her that in real life.  That’s not her name (duh!) but she’s like a ray of freaking sunshine ALL the time.  I used to think that she farted sparkles.  Even her saying the “F” word sounds cutesy.  I can see her on a stage in a pink dress with a tiara telling everyone to “F” off with a big smile on her face, and I just know everyone would start chanting “All hail Pink Cupcakes and Roses!”  Anyhoo,  PC&R texted me a deal from one of those crazy discounted sites: “$10 for a Brazilian  Wax and Vajazzling.”  I know what your thinking and no… we aren’t going to spend this whole post talking about 70’s bush.  We are going to talk about the top 5 things I would never buy discounted.

1: Lipo light treatments. I can get three lipo treatments for a hundred bucks. No, thank you! You will not be freezing, lighting, sucking or vibrating any of my fat for cheap.  My fat has high standards.  It’s actually pretty attached to me.  Do you think if $100 bucks was going to get rid of my cellulite I wouldn’t have already hopped on that train?

2.  Hair cuts, color, relaxing, and all that jazz.  Hellz to the no!  It took me forever and a day to find someone who cuts curly hair so I don’t look like a Chia Pet.  I also spent forever trying to find an awesome colorist.  No friggin’ way am I getting a discount haircut or chemical straightener.  I spent a some time in school listening to the “Ch-Ch-Chi-Chia” song as I walked down the hall.  The other day someone asked me how I get my hair this way.  I’ll tell everyone exactly what I told him.  You know how some people go through puberty and get boobs?  I got kinky curly hair…and huge boobs. (I must have hit God on a two-for day!)  You have to be careful with the frizz and dealing with this frizz isn’t cheap!

3. Tattoos /Permanent Makeup.  No one is poking around my eyes with a needle for cheap.  And do you really want someone offering a discount to draw your favorite animal or symbol on your left butt cheek?  Or how about if you make the horrible decision to put your significant other’s name somewhere special and because it was a discount they spell it wrong.  “Gee Carl.  I don’t love anyone named Carla…I never cheated on you with a girl, I swear!

4. Laser hair removal: Nope. No way am I letting anyone laser my hair away for cheap. No one will be pointing a painful laser at my legs, my underarms, my eyebrows or my vajayjay unless I have paid good money for it. You get what you pay for as far as I’m concerned.  And as far as I’m concerned 4 laser who-ha laser hair removal treatments for a $99 just feels like I am just giving away my money.  I value all of those parts.  I don’t spread anything for just anyone.  They have to be special! (Gee, honey…don’t you feel special?)

5. $10 Brazillian with Vajazzling.  Where do I sign up…not! Again. Your girly goods are precious.  I wouldn’t trust just anyone to painfully rip the hair off my nether-regions for ten bucks. Oh, you want to add some sexy sparkle?  No one really needs a Superman symbol in Swarovski crystals glued to their vag, do they?  I didn’t even know what Vajazzling was until a few  months ago during a 3am Night shift Pow-Wow. Jennifer Love Hewitt, I’m so glad Vajazzling makes you feel sexy. (Is that your date right there?  There’s something sparkly caught in his teeth. EEEEEEWWWWW!)

So that’s it folks!  If any of the above works for you, more power to you.  That’s just what I wouldn’t pay discounted prices for.  There’s more…but we don’t have all night.  I have a hot date with Groupon to see what good deals I can get! 😉

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