Archive | May, 2013

The crazy things that run through my head when running.

24 May

I have always wanted to run a half marathon. Even at my heaviest weight, I have dreamt about it.  So, I decided to take the plunge and sign up to do the Disney Princess Half Marathon in Feb 2014.  I am at the beginning of my training and this is a typical conversation I have with myself during my interval runs.  It may seem a little choppy…but I’m a choppy thinker.

OK. Here I go! Disney Princess.  I can do this!

Holy shit, why do I always have to run by the lawn guys?  They should know me by now.  Shouldn’t they wave or high five me or something?  If that guy over there doesn’t stop the leaf blower when I run by I might shove it up his…(Runkeeper lady voice comes on to tell me my pace) WTF! Bitch, I feel the wind in my hair.  I am not running at a 17.46 minute per mile pace.  There must be a crack whore talking to me in my headphones.

(Jogging by the lake)  I wonder if there is an alligator in there. I mean if there was, I am sure he would be eyeing me for some din din.  He saw thigh gap lady (Blog post number 1) and he  didn’t think she had enough meat on her bones.  I look like a f’ing Thanksgiving feast to him.  If he came out of the water to eat me, I wonder if I could outrun him. I wonder if adrenaline would kick in and my ass flaps would turn into wings and I would glide swiftly away from him. (Runkeeper lady comes on again)…Shit!!! what do you mean its now 17.27 minute per mile pace.  I’m only a mile in and I have two more to go. I have to get faster than this.  Where’s an alligator when you need one.

Holy brightness Batman!  That man has the brightest yellow flip flops I have ever seen. They look ridiculous with his suit.  Oh well, he has two garages and  three pretty cars in his drive way. He probably can wear whatever the hell he wants. If I had two garages and three pretty cars I would give the nicest one to my husband because he deserves his own car, and then I would walk around the front of my two garages with no bra on and maybe even some spandex just because I could.

Was that a spider web I just ran through. Motherfu….(Runkeeper lady interrupts)! OK so I’m 17 minute per mile pace now.  If I can get below 16 minute per mile pace, I will not get picked up by the Mickey Mouse sweeper truck and I will get a pretty Princess medal.  I want a pretty medal.  I can already see that stupid sweeper truck.  It’s probably got Sneaky Pete driving. I would  feel like a total ass if Sneaky Freaking Pete picked me up in the Disney sweeper truck. OK, stop thinking about the sweeper truck, you’re going to finish and not even see the sweeper truck.

I hate running by “the preserve.” I wonder if any serial killer is hiding in the bushes and is going to try and chop me to pieces.  I’m going to run faster now so that the serial killer doesn’t catch me. My luck, he would probably cut my ass cheeks and boobs off and use them for pillows.  OK…now I’m getting delirious. Maybe I should cross the street so that I am not running next to the creepy preserve.

Oh, lake time again…(run keeper lady comes on).  You’re a whore.  I know you’re probably a nice lady, Runkeeper voice, but when I can’t catch my breath and I have an imaginary alligator and serial killer chasing me, you need to stop giving me crappy paces.  Holy shit! Was that an alligator? Pfffft! Nope, just a turtle. Come and get me little turtle!!  I can totally take you!

Justin Timberlake, I’m sweaty and tired. What do you want to do to some chick in her wedding dress. Who’s swallowing who and/ or what?  Why can’t I understand the lyrics to your song today.  Am I hearing that you want to eat some chick in her wedding dress? The hubs would hate me for totally blowing those lyrics.  I think I just made up words to a JT song and I can see my poor husband shaking his head because I bastardized another work of art. Why can’t I just know the words to the songs? (Runkeeper lady…again.)

My workout is done?  And my pace stunk. But I finished and lived to tell the tale. The serial killer went back into the preserve, the alligator went back into the lake.  I think there’s a spider in my hair…but I finished.  Maybe I can do this after all.

So, moral of the story.  Run zig zag if you ever have an alligator chasing you. If you have money, go buy some bright yellow flip flops and wear it with a suit just because you can.  If you see a chubby girl with a red face high five-ing the landscaping crew during her run  you just honk and wave at that crazy bitch because she is trying hard to finish things.  (She’s terrible at the follow through so give her an extra honk).  And remember that we all have to practice to get better at things. I think know I will finish my half marathon, and I’ll be giving Sneaky Pete a mental middle finger when I cross the finish line.

The Things I Wouldn’t Do For Free (or even discounted)!

10 May

The other day I received a text from a friend.  We will call her Pink Cupcakes and Roses.  I actually do call her that in real life.  That’s not her name (duh!) but she’s like a ray of freaking sunshine ALL the time.  I used to think that she farted sparkles.  Even her saying the “F” word sounds cutesy.  I can see her on a stage in a pink dress with a tiara telling everyone to “F” off with a big smile on her face, and I just know everyone would start chanting “All hail Pink Cupcakes and Roses!”  Anyhoo,  PC&R texted me a deal from one of those crazy discounted sites: “$10 for a Brazilian  Wax and Vajazzling.”  I know what your thinking and no… we aren’t going to spend this whole post talking about 70’s bush.  We are going to talk about the top 5 things I would never buy discounted.

1: Lipo light treatments. I can get three lipo treatments for a hundred bucks. No, thank you! You will not be freezing, lighting, sucking or vibrating any of my fat for cheap.  My fat has high standards.  It’s actually pretty attached to me.  Do you think if $100 bucks was going to get rid of my cellulite I wouldn’t have already hopped on that train?

2.  Hair cuts, color, relaxing, and all that jazz.  Hellz to the no!  It took me forever and a day to find someone who cuts curly hair so I don’t look like a Chia Pet.  I also spent forever trying to find an awesome colorist.  No friggin’ way am I getting a discount haircut or chemical straightener.  I spent a some time in school listening to the “Ch-Ch-Chi-Chia” song as I walked down the hall.  The other day someone asked me how I get my hair this way.  I’ll tell everyone exactly what I told him.  You know how some people go through puberty and get boobs?  I got kinky curly hair…and huge boobs. (I must have hit God on a two-for day!)  You have to be careful with the frizz and dealing with this frizz isn’t cheap!

3. Tattoos /Permanent Makeup.  No one is poking around my eyes with a needle for cheap.  And do you really want someone offering a discount to draw your favorite animal or symbol on your left butt cheek?  Or how about if you make the horrible decision to put your significant other’s name somewhere special and because it was a discount they spell it wrong.  “Gee Carl.  I don’t love anyone named Carla…I never cheated on you with a girl, I swear!

4. Laser hair removal: Nope. No way am I letting anyone laser my hair away for cheap. No one will be pointing a painful laser at my legs, my underarms, my eyebrows or my vajayjay unless I have paid good money for it. You get what you pay for as far as I’m concerned.  And as far as I’m concerned 4 laser who-ha laser hair removal treatments for a $99 just feels like I am just giving away my money.  I value all of those parts.  I don’t spread anything for just anyone.  They have to be special! (Gee, honey…don’t you feel special?)

5. $10 Brazillian with Vajazzling.  Where do I sign up…not! Again. Your girly goods are precious.  I wouldn’t trust just anyone to painfully rip the hair off my nether-regions for ten bucks. Oh, you want to add some sexy sparkle?  No one really needs a Superman symbol in Swarovski crystals glued to their vag, do they?  I didn’t even know what Vajazzling was until a few  months ago during a 3am Night shift Pow-Wow. Jennifer Love Hewitt, I’m so glad Vajazzling makes you feel sexy. (Is that your date right there?  There’s something sparkly caught in his teeth. EEEEEEWWWWW!)

So that’s it folks!  If any of the above works for you, more power to you.  That’s just what I wouldn’t pay discounted prices for.  There’s more…but we don’t have all night.  I have a hot date with Groupon to see what good deals I can get! 😉