A little advice from chunky me…to chunky you.

6 Apr

I really love people watching.  I would like to say I don’t judge people but…let’s face it, we all have our moments.  Like the other day after a long 13 hour night at work.  I walked across the street to go to my car and there flashing in front of me was this really big bottomed girl walking across the street to go to work…in a short dress.  There isn’t an ass joke I haven’t made about myself so I can totally judge this department.  I wasn’t called “Baby Booty” in high school for shits and giggles.  I earned it.  But what I learned about having the booty (and the cleave) is that you have to dress that shit right!) I digress.  I was judging a large booty in a short dress.  I’m not talking like nice booty that belongs in a short dress either.  I’m talking, a walking Breakstone’s ad.  I sure hope she didn’t drop anything that day.  The thought of her having to retrieve whatever object she dropped frightened me. It might have frightened her coworkers too. Which leads me to this question.  Do people look in the mirror before they go out of the house? When I ask this I’m not talking about rolling out of bed to put some sweats on to take your kids to school. You can judge me any day on that one. I scare people when I take my kid to school.  Actually there was a mom who didn’t even recognize me when I put real clothes and makeup on! HA!

Big ass girls, if you have a nice ass with some great effing legs to match.  I say wear a short dress. But if you have curdles and curdles of cheesy goodness, please put some leggings under that short dress!  Cover that shit up.  No one wants to see it and really, do you feel that good about it that you want to show it off? That’s why I don’t wear short anything. And trust me, there are dresses that will cover it up.

Big busted gals.  They have these people who measure your boobs.  You cannot go to Walmart to find these people.  Big boobies need bras that have big support.  They will not be on clearance at Target either.  I had to go to this awesome Bra Boutique place to get my bras.  It took the sad sack flappys to a whole new level.  It was like the girls were new. Treat yourself. You deserve good bras. And the world deserves to see those babies look upright.  My son is intrigued by good bras. He dug his two little fists in my cleave the other day and announced. “Hands cold!”  If you have big sunny side downs in your Walmart clearance bra, how will you keep your kids hands warm? (Yes I know, gloves. But my boy is two, and apparently a boob man!) Make your kids, and all the boob men of the world happy. If you can’t surgically strap those girls up there, buy a good bra and pretend you did.

Lets talk about the abdominals.  You’ve all heard of the girl who is always asked if she’s pregnant. You may have even seen a chick and wanted to ask how far along she is.  DON’T DO IT!!! You could be wrong.  And if your one of the girls who get’s ask this.  That’s the big hint hint that you are dressing like your pregnant.  There are ways to dress with a big belly. Just like there are ways to dress a fat ass.  There are sucker inners and awesome tops that lay nicely to disguise this.  But if you see it, it’s quite possibly really there. If your man says it’s not that bad, just remember he thinks with his penis.

Seek out an honest go to person. My sister and my cousin are my “go to” people. The people at my work are pretty honest too. I am lucky to know some awesome fashionistas!  I know they will tell me if I look like a sausage stuffed in casing or if I dressed right. You have to have go to people who are trying not to screw you.

So the lesson in all this.  If your big… you can still dress beautiful.  Just don’t show the cheese.  A little cleave is good if you have a great bra. Dress for success. Don’t ever trust a horny man. He will tell you that you look great in anything.  Oh… and never stop trying to the person you want to be. She’s awesome…healthy and sexy as hell!


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