Archive | April, 2013

Seriously God…really?

25 Apr

To continue my thoughts on The Big Man’s sense of humor…

Tonight, I put my kids down to bed and as I walked out of my daughter’s room, I was thinking how awesome it was that I only had one load of laundry to put away and then I could dedicate my night to my budget and a glass of wine. (Doesn’t everyone do the budget while imbibing?)  All of a sudden I stop and take a deep breath.  Since when did my house smell like the Jolly Green Giant dropped a total shit bomb on the house.  So walking around frantically looking around for the culprit with nothing to show for it…until I walked in my room. There waiting for me are two fresh steaming fresh piles of explosive doggy diarrhea just screaming to be cleaned up.  I have two dogs and one has a sensitive stomach. In the past she has been really good about having these issues on the tile, but seriously… the carpet? Ugh!

So as I’m cleaning up this mess,  I’m thinking that God really must have a sense of humor. I mean, he’s probably watching me scrub the shit out of my rug while gagging and totally loving this.  (I’m thinking he’s into the good tequila tonight!)

My house smells horrible.   I sprayed my room with air deodorizer too!  You know those commercials where they have a filthy dingy room and then they spray the shit out of it so when the blindfolded person comes in they go “Mmmm. It smells like I’m in a spring meadow.” And then as they get up with a stale piece of old cheese pizza sticking to their ass, they are like “Wow, this is amazing!!”  Well, I tried that.  My room now smells like dog shit and Hawaiiian Aloha mixed together which is more putrid than just dog shit.

And then I think that it could be worse.  When my husband and I first got married, Bailey (our Wheaten terrier) totally got a case of explosive shit all over my husband’s shoulder and face when he was sleeping. He didn’t think it was funny, but nine years later I still laugh so hard I’m crying.  I mean I mostly felt bad, but that explosive fart sound and then the shit shower…hilarious.  (I’m just dying over here!! LOL) And it’s not like it’s never happened to me. It was just at work, and it was a kid instead of a canine. That was funny to me too.  Let’s face it. Doo doo is funny even if my husband doesn’t think so.

In conclusion, dog shit on carpet sucks.  Having your bedroom smell like Hawaiian flowery dog shit sucks too.  But I’m laughing. God is laughing.  The dog is getting rice for dinner. And I am getting a drink stronger than wine.  Hello tequila!  🙂

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God sure does have a sense of humor…

18 Apr

When I was younger, I had this picture in my mind that God was playing dollhouse with us.  He was overhead and we were His little Weeble peoples.  Now that I’m older, I have a new picture.  I think God is sitting in his leather recliner kicking back with a cold beer having a good laugh. I’m not talking the tragedies in life.  There are reasons things happen. They suck and the reasons why they happen are none of our business to know right now.  So for entertainment purposes, I am pointing out the things I think God’s having some fun with…because frankly, I think somethings are kinda funny too.

Because of my profession a good portion of my sense of humor involves bodily functions.  My first “old person” diaper change in nursing school involved me and a couple of students putting on a diaper shiny side in while this poor incoherent man got the runs all over it.  Fast forward a few years later when I was dressed in my favorite Christmas scrubs and changing the diaper of a kid with a liver laceration.  In the middle of rolling his tush toward me…he explosively shat all over me.  The lovely nurse who was participating laughed so hard, I’m sure she pissed her pants.  I’m sure God had a good chuckle while chugging some of Heaven’s finest brew.  Years later (and minus my favorite scrub top)  it still gets a good chuckle.  The other day I heard the story of a friend of mine who we will call Heidi.(because she’s tall… and I think all Heidi’s should be tall.) Poor Heidi was in the middle of a poop event (with a patient of course) and swears she just couldn’t get rid of the stink.  After a long arduous night at work, elbow deep in poop, she met her boyfriend for breakfast still wondering where the stink was. Only upon arriving home did my tall pal realize the stink was coming from leftover poop splatter on her pants.  Needless to say, I don’t really think those scrub pants made it to the wash (incineration time!!).  It’s great to know we help peeps with their bodily functions. Its part of the job, albeit not the best part, but a necessary part.  One that we are happy to help with.  So it would only be natural that the big man upstairs would be having a laugh-a-thon with poop. At three o’clock in the morning…lets face it, things get funny.  All of the nurses of the world are going to be old people with calendars that they mark their BM’s on.  I’m going to be like my grandfather marking yes or no on the calendar when I’m wrinkly in my rocking chair.  I wonder…do they have an app for that?

How about our kids.  God gives us a sense of humor to deal with the most difficult of times.  I can’t count the number times my bra appears on Target’s security cameras because  my kid has pulled down my tank top and I didn’t realize it.  I would have a good laugh at the frizzy haired half asleep chick walking down the tampon aisle with her bra out because she was too tired to look down.  I’m sure God took a long swig and smiled.  Or the poor chick whose ass has eaten the back of her dress (this may or may not have happened to me. Wink. Wink) and her undies are showing along with the whole back side.  I mean…it’s mostly funny.

How about those people (and by people, I mean me) who trip over flat surfaces when they walk.  Holy shit…really.  I can’t stop laughing at myself.   I do that all the time. I especially think it’s funny when the person gets so bent and looks around to make sure no one saw it.  God saw that shit…and He thought it was the bee’s knees. In fact, he is holding up the 10 paddle as he pees his pants laughing.  (I wonder if God uses the potty).

I’m the girl who when I was about 7 years old peed myself because I didn’t want to miss my baby cousin eating her first ice cream cone. But I didn’t miss the moment so who gives a flying fig.  We can all laugh about the day Donna pissed the floor years later. My dearest aunt,I’m so sorry I peed on your floor.  I give you full permission to get old and pee on my floor. My aunt is too classy for peeing on floors, and she’s never going to grow old so I think my floors are safe.

I could probably find a bazillion things to laugh at.  Laughing is fun and it beats crying. Laughing should be considered a bodily function that comes before menstruation,pooping and even PMS. All is right with the world because in the middle of all of the shitty things that happen, we have to laugh at something.  I  find solace in laughing at myself.  I’m even ok with others getting a good chuckle at me. If you could have seen this crazy white girl doing the running man in her PPE’s (personal protective equipment) this morning you would laughed too.  And no matter what you believe, whether you have a “god” or not, and no matter what you call him or her, we have the gift of laughter because it was given to us. We should use it. Don’t squander such an awesome gift.  I aim to make my friends cheeks hurt.  (The cheeks on their face..you dirty pigs!)

The long and short of it is this.  Shit happens. Awful, horrendous shit.  We have all learned, yet again how awful this week.  But good things happen too. Lots of good things.  More good things happen than bad things. There are more good people than bad.  It had to be that way because there are some people who suck so bad that it takes tons of good peeps to make up for it.  So, love when you can, smile tons, always try to do the right thing and laugh…laugh a lot. They don’t call it the best medicine for no reason.  Lastly, don’t forget to keep track of your BMs. Get your calendars ready folks because frankly, you’re not getting any younger!

A little advice from chunky me…to chunky you.

6 Apr

I really love people watching.  I would like to say I don’t judge people but…let’s face it, we all have our moments.  Like the other day after a long 13 hour night at work.  I walked across the street to go to my car and there flashing in front of me was this really big bottomed girl walking across the street to go to work…in a short dress.  There isn’t an ass joke I haven’t made about myself so I can totally judge this department.  I wasn’t called “Baby Booty” in high school for shits and giggles.  I earned it.  But what I learned about having the booty (and the cleave) is that you have to dress that shit right!) I digress.  I was judging a large booty in a short dress.  I’m not talking like nice booty that belongs in a short dress either.  I’m talking, a walking Breakstone’s ad.  I sure hope she didn’t drop anything that day.  The thought of her having to retrieve whatever object she dropped frightened me. It might have frightened her coworkers too. Which leads me to this question.  Do people look in the mirror before they go out of the house? When I ask this I’m not talking about rolling out of bed to put some sweats on to take your kids to school. You can judge me any day on that one. I scare people when I take my kid to school.  Actually there was a mom who didn’t even recognize me when I put real clothes and makeup on! HA!

Big ass girls, if you have a nice ass with some great effing legs to match.  I say wear a short dress. But if you have curdles and curdles of cheesy goodness, please put some leggings under that short dress!  Cover that shit up.  No one wants to see it and really, do you feel that good about it that you want to show it off? That’s why I don’t wear short anything. And trust me, there are dresses that will cover it up.

Big busted gals.  They have these people who measure your boobs.  You cannot go to Walmart to find these people.  Big boobies need bras that have big support.  They will not be on clearance at Target either.  I had to go to this awesome Bra Boutique place to get my bras.  It took the sad sack flappys to a whole new level.  It was like the girls were new. Treat yourself. You deserve good bras. And the world deserves to see those babies look upright.  My son is intrigued by good bras. He dug his two little fists in my cleave the other day and announced. “Hands cold!”  If you have big sunny side downs in your Walmart clearance bra, how will you keep your kids hands warm? (Yes I know, gloves. But my boy is two, and apparently a boob man!) Make your kids, and all the boob men of the world happy. If you can’t surgically strap those girls up there, buy a good bra and pretend you did.

Lets talk about the abdominals.  You’ve all heard of the girl who is always asked if she’s pregnant. You may have even seen a chick and wanted to ask how far along she is.  DON’T DO IT!!! You could be wrong.  And if your one of the girls who get’s ask this.  That’s the big hint hint that you are dressing like your pregnant.  There are ways to dress with a big belly. Just like there are ways to dress a fat ass.  There are sucker inners and awesome tops that lay nicely to disguise this.  But if you see it, it’s quite possibly really there. If your man says it’s not that bad, just remember he thinks with his penis.

Seek out an honest go to person. My sister and my cousin are my “go to” people. The people at my work are pretty honest too. I am lucky to know some awesome fashionistas!  I know they will tell me if I look like a sausage stuffed in casing or if I dressed right. You have to have go to people who are trying not to screw you.

So the lesson in all this.  If your big… you can still dress beautiful.  Just don’t show the cheese.  A little cleave is good if you have a great bra. Dress for success. Don’t ever trust a horny man. He will tell you that you look great in anything.  Oh… and never stop trying to the person you want to be. She’s awesome…healthy and sexy as hell!