The shameful things I’ve done with kids toys. ;)

24 Mar

When we were young we played more outside than we ever did inside.  I remember how vivid our imaginations were. We had plastic Smurfs, Cabbage Patch dolls and even those little rubber bouncing balls. Looking back I realize how ridiculous we were because we had hundreds of those damn balls and they had names and lived in milk carton houses. When I say “we” I mean my sister, me and our neighbor friend. How nerdy could we get. It’s a vague memory because the story my parents still tell at parties (30  years later)  is the one about me having a messy room and my mom finding my dirty underwear in my little Strawberry Shortcake house. (Don’t judge…I know where the hamper is now!!! 🙂 ) Now I am lucky enough to have a daughter so its my turn to play with her toys.

So lets talk about Barbie. Everyone has something to say about Barbie. Whether it’s that she’s too thin and kids want to aspire to be like her or it encourages eating disorders. Seriously, it’s a freaking plastic doll without nipples, people!! I’ve never heard any little girl tell me when she grows up, she wants to be a skinny, nipple-less gal  without a vajayjay. I know because it was career day at my daughter’s school and it never came up. Who cares about Barbie. My daughter asked me to play Barbies with her one day. (I loathe Barbie and all one hundred of her shoes and that little fucking milk carton I’m always stepping on. ) Ten minutes later I was playing with them all by myself because she had moved on (see, I told you no one gives a flying fig about Barbie!) So, I spent the next hour making my versions of Barbie. There was Crack whore Barbie. She was half-naked on the side of the toilet  with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of her come fuck me pump (in her dream house of course) while naked Ken took a shower. In the hot tub was swinging Barbies… because we are so lucky to have 2 boy dolls and a complete set of Disney princess dolls. Who’d a thunk that Cinderella and Jasmine would be getting it on with Ken #2. I wish I had pictures to illustrate, but use some mental imagery and I’m sure you can see it. So don’t worry about your daughter wanting to be like Barbie, because most girls have nipples and vajayjays…Barbie does not.  I guess I had some fun with her and no my daughter didn’t see any of this! What kind of mom do you think I am (this is a rhetorical question)?

How about  La La Loopsie or whatever the hell her name is.  Shes macrocephalic and needs a VP shunt as far as I’m concerned (Nurse humor…sorry!).  She can’t stand and other than trying to wrap her hair in plastic curlers…I don’t know what else to do with her.  So she is worse than Barbie because my kids keep coming up to me with these damn curlers and telling me to do her hair.  I can barely do my hair let alone this weirdo’s.

My daughter recently received Student of the Week in her class and while I’m so proud it also meant I had homework to do.  When kids are Student of  the Week, they get to bring home Corduroy  the Bear and spend the weekend with him.  So we did, and I was as inappropriate as ever (once the kid’s hit the hay of course!).  Corduroy didn’t just get to read with the kids before bed and have a tea party with my little princess.   Corduroy likes the nightlife…in the Barbie hot tub.  (See! Barbie is a whore who’s into beastiality)  He bellied up to the bar at my parent’s house and got drunk.  And when we went to a restaurant, he apparently peed at the table into a plastic cup after drinking too much root beer.  Then my daughter stuck the germy bear in my face and said “Corduroy want’s to give mommy a kiss.”  EEEEW! Honey no…I can’t kiss Corduroy.  He spent the night in the hot tub with Barbie. I don’t know where his mouth has been!   So I wound up giving that gigilo  bear a kiss.  And my daughter was happy!

Moral of the story.  Don’t worry about kids wanting to aspire to be like an anorexic doll with no nipples because she won’t ever show up to career day at school.  Don’t let your kid’s stuffed bear kiss you after he’s been whoring around in the Barbie Dream house. It’s ok to have a little fun and do stupid things with your kids toys..as long as your kids aren’t looking.  Lastly, don’t put your smelly underwear in your Strawberry Shortcake house. You’ll be reliving it at every damn get together for years to come and Strawberry shortcake will NEVER forgive you!

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