Spanx for the Memories

4 Mar

Oh my! The dreaded special event! That time of year when you have an important function and you want to look your best. So you want to be the hub’s arm candy, and above all else, try not to embarrass yourself, trip over your feet, or expose any parts of yourself that your husband’s coworkers don’t want or need to see (and I’m not talking about a cleave shot or two).

So what does that mean. A chance to be proud of the a smaller, but still a lil’ luscious, me!  So, what will make that perfect dress more perfect? That’s right baby, SPANX! My friend, Susie (we will call her Susie because, quite frankly, no one makes a home like my friend Susie Homemaker) said I have to go get the real thing. So after setting off on my journey, I find myself in a sea of Spanx. Holy shit! I’ve lived a lifetime in discounted sucker-inners, but this was crazy! Where to start? Why yes, pleasant sales person, you can help me. I need the best sucker-inner you have. Two trials and a bucket full of sweat later and BAM! Every nook and cranny was smoother than a baby’s bottom. The real dilemma now was how was I going to not use the restroom all night.  I know there’s an opening in the nether region…but no way, no how am I going there. Susie told me that special opening could be used for “other things,” but nothing screams sexy like trying to get it on in a girdle. Spanx or no Spanx…there is nothing sexy about a girdle. I know because whenever I’m spread out all over the bedroom floor sweating and trying to pull one over a meaty thigh, I get that look from the King of the Castle that says “nope…I’m so not hitting that tonight, girdle lady.”

Every man wants the same thing, right? Sexy matching bra’s and panties…minus the girdle. I feel for them too! Let’s not get into the shit that women want because frankly we could be up all night long. So back to this event. A night among friends, coworkers and shit talkers. Don’t get all righteous and say you’ve never talked shit before! Every last one of you know you have, so please  (insert eye roll and teeth sucking here) don’t pretend you have never done it! So many beautiful ladies, and debonaire men. A good time had by all. Everyone had their own freaky style. Some hit the dance floor. Talk about droppin’ it like its hot (or whatever the hell you call it these days)! Some might have dropped it and it was so hot those panties must have done burned off. Ladies, if you want to get your freak on and “free ball” it…don’t drop it so low and so fucking wide. I’m glad you don’t have a 70’s bush anymore, but no one ever needed to know unless they want to be up in your business. (kinda like your gyno or your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever makes you happy.) Fer real! Put that shit away. Now, the next time I see you, I am going to want to run away screaming “Beaver alert, beaver alert.” Besides the blinding beaver shot, everyone seemed to have a good time, I didn’t show anyone my beaver, and ultimately the Spanx totally smoothed in all the right places (aka back fat, extra boob fat, and the prize-winning ass flap)

What can we take out of this story, you ask?
Well, first of all, Spanx rock even if your man doesn’t think their sexy. Please save your money because that shit costs more than the dress. Secondly, Susie the sexy homemaker is the only one who’s getting lucky in her  Spanx (ooooh yeah!). Thirdly, don’t let your beaver run wild on the dance floor, bald or not. And Lastly, just go out there and have fun, because everyone’s drunk and no one really gives a shit if you have a girdle on or not.


One Response to “Spanx for the Memories”

  1. lori p March 12, 2013 at 9:08 pm #

    My beaver?Who knew?!!How very educational…oh yeah, and hilarious!!


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