Archive | March, 2013

The shameful things I’ve done with kids toys. ;)

24 Mar

When we were young we played more outside than we ever did inside.  I remember how vivid our imaginations were. We had plastic Smurfs, Cabbage Patch dolls and even those little rubber bouncing balls. Looking back I realize how ridiculous we were because we had hundreds of those damn balls and they had names and lived in milk carton houses. When I say “we” I mean my sister, me and our neighbor friend. How nerdy could we get. It’s a vague memory because the story my parents still tell at parties (30  years later)  is the one about me having a messy room and my mom finding my dirty underwear in my little Strawberry Shortcake house. (Don’t judge…I know where the hamper is now!!! 🙂 ) Now I am lucky enough to have a daughter so its my turn to play with her toys.

So lets talk about Barbie. Everyone has something to say about Barbie. Whether it’s that she’s too thin and kids want to aspire to be like her or it encourages eating disorders. Seriously, it’s a freaking plastic doll without nipples, people!! I’ve never heard any little girl tell me when she grows up, she wants to be a skinny, nipple-less gal  without a vajayjay. I know because it was career day at my daughter’s school and it never came up. Who cares about Barbie. My daughter asked me to play Barbies with her one day. (I loathe Barbie and all one hundred of her shoes and that little fucking milk carton I’m always stepping on. ) Ten minutes later I was playing with them all by myself because she had moved on (see, I told you no one gives a flying fig about Barbie!) So, I spent the next hour making my versions of Barbie. There was Crack whore Barbie. She was half-naked on the side of the toilet  with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of her come fuck me pump (in her dream house of course) while naked Ken took a shower. In the hot tub was swinging Barbies… because we are so lucky to have 2 boy dolls and a complete set of Disney princess dolls. Who’d a thunk that Cinderella and Jasmine would be getting it on with Ken #2. I wish I had pictures to illustrate, but use some mental imagery and I’m sure you can see it. So don’t worry about your daughter wanting to be like Barbie, because most girls have nipples and vajayjays…Barbie does not.  I guess I had some fun with her and no my daughter didn’t see any of this! What kind of mom do you think I am (this is a rhetorical question)?

How about  La La Loopsie or whatever the hell her name is.  Shes macrocephalic and needs a VP shunt as far as I’m concerned (Nurse humor…sorry!).  She can’t stand and other than trying to wrap her hair in plastic curlers…I don’t know what else to do with her.  So she is worse than Barbie because my kids keep coming up to me with these damn curlers and telling me to do her hair.  I can barely do my hair let alone this weirdo’s.

My daughter recently received Student of the Week in her class and while I’m so proud it also meant I had homework to do.  When kids are Student of  the Week, they get to bring home Corduroy  the Bear and spend the weekend with him.  So we did, and I was as inappropriate as ever (once the kid’s hit the hay of course!).  Corduroy didn’t just get to read with the kids before bed and have a tea party with my little princess.   Corduroy likes the nightlife…in the Barbie hot tub.  (See! Barbie is a whore who’s into beastiality)  He bellied up to the bar at my parent’s house and got drunk.  And when we went to a restaurant, he apparently peed at the table into a plastic cup after drinking too much root beer.  Then my daughter stuck the germy bear in my face and said “Corduroy want’s to give mommy a kiss.”  EEEEW! Honey no…I can’t kiss Corduroy.  He spent the night in the hot tub with Barbie. I don’t know where his mouth has been!   So I wound up giving that gigilo  bear a kiss.  And my daughter was happy!

Moral of the story.  Don’t worry about kids wanting to aspire to be like an anorexic doll with no nipples because she won’t ever show up to career day at school.  Don’t let your kid’s stuffed bear kiss you after he’s been whoring around in the Barbie Dream house. It’s ok to have a little fun and do stupid things with your kids toys..as long as your kids aren’t looking.  Lastly, don’t put your smelly underwear in your Strawberry Shortcake house. You’ll be reliving it at every damn get together for years to come and Strawberry shortcake will NEVER forgive you!

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Spanx for the Memories

4 Mar

Oh my! The dreaded special event! That time of year when you have an important function and you want to look your best. So you want to be the hub’s arm candy, and above all else, try not to embarrass yourself, trip over your feet, or expose any parts of yourself that your husband’s coworkers don’t want or need to see (and I’m not talking about a cleave shot or two).

So what does that mean. A chance to be proud of the a smaller, but still a lil’ luscious, me!  So, what will make that perfect dress more perfect? That’s right baby, SPANX! My friend, Susie (we will call her Susie because, quite frankly, no one makes a home like my friend Susie Homemaker) said I have to go get the real thing. So after setting off on my journey, I find myself in a sea of Spanx. Holy shit! I’ve lived a lifetime in discounted sucker-inners, but this was crazy! Where to start? Why yes, pleasant sales person, you can help me. I need the best sucker-inner you have. Two trials and a bucket full of sweat later and BAM! Every nook and cranny was smoother than a baby’s bottom. The real dilemma now was how was I going to not use the restroom all night.  I know there’s an opening in the nether region…but no way, no how am I going there. Susie told me that special opening could be used for “other things,” but nothing screams sexy like trying to get it on in a girdle. Spanx or no Spanx…there is nothing sexy about a girdle. I know because whenever I’m spread out all over the bedroom floor sweating and trying to pull one over a meaty thigh, I get that look from the King of the Castle that says “nope…I’m so not hitting that tonight, girdle lady.”

Every man wants the same thing, right? Sexy matching bra’s and panties…minus the girdle. I feel for them too! Let’s not get into the shit that women want because frankly we could be up all night long. So back to this event. A night among friends, coworkers and shit talkers. Don’t get all righteous and say you’ve never talked shit before! Every last one of you know you have, so please  (insert eye roll and teeth sucking here) don’t pretend you have never done it! So many beautiful ladies, and debonaire men. A good time had by all. Everyone had their own freaky style. Some hit the dance floor. Talk about droppin’ it like its hot (or whatever the hell you call it these days)! Some might have dropped it and it was so hot those panties must have done burned off. Ladies, if you want to get your freak on and “free ball” it…don’t drop it so low and so fucking wide. I’m glad you don’t have a 70’s bush anymore, but no one ever needed to know unless they want to be up in your business. (kinda like your gyno or your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever makes you happy.) Fer real! Put that shit away. Now, the next time I see you, I am going to want to run away screaming “Beaver alert, beaver alert.” Besides the blinding beaver shot, everyone seemed to have a good time, I didn’t show anyone my beaver, and ultimately the Spanx totally smoothed in all the right places (aka back fat, extra boob fat, and the prize-winning ass flap)

What can we take out of this story, you ask?
Well, first of all, Spanx rock even if your man doesn’t think their sexy. Please save your money because that shit costs more than the dress. Secondly, Susie the sexy homemaker is the only one who’s getting lucky in her  Spanx (ooooh yeah!). Thirdly, don’t let your beaver run wild on the dance floor, bald or not. And Lastly, just go out there and have fun, because everyone’s drunk and no one really gives a shit if you have a girdle on or not.