Thigh Gaps and Such…

15 Feb

So there is a mom that picks her little girl up from school (obviously the same school I pick my daughter up from.  I have to say that she has quite the topic of conversation not only in my mind but also between my husband and me.  For the sake of anonymity, and because I don’t have any clue what this chick’s name is, we will just call her Windy. Yes, I said Windy, not Wendy.  We will call her Windy because when the man upstairs was handing out bodies, he gave this lady the thigh gap of the century.

Now I know what you might be thinking.  You judgmental bitch.  But I’m not being judgmental, maybe just a bit of a gossip. I mean, someone who doesn’t know me from Adam would think that I was jealous, but this is also not the case.  My inner thighs intimately know each other.  They have been making out for as long as I have known them. Although one day I really hope they divorce each other, they are still madly in love despite the fact that I have shaken them up with 5 months of Paleo, kettle bells and running. They may be getting a little nervous…however they are still giving Eskimo kisses.  But Windy’s thigh gap is so impressive that I bet her inner thighs are complete strangers.  When she takes off her pants her inner thighs probably look at each other and are like “Who the hell are you?”

One of the reasons why she is the topic of conversation is because she has an accentuated wide stance when she walks.  Kind of like a cowboy in a quick draw fight.  No, her thighs would not meet even if she walked like a regular Joe Schmo.  And most days she wears her spandex workout clothes to pick her little petunia up.  Now she is thin as a rail and I know for some this is not a blessing.  But this chick kills me.  I want to know how she stays thin like this (blah blah blah with the some people are born with a fast metabolism. Pudgy people don’t give a shit about fast metabolism.  They just want to wake up one morning and be magically thin.).  Windy lives in my neighborhood, and while I “run” around the neighborhood hoping not to chafe or hit someone with my ass flap , I pass this bitch and she leisurely walks around at what seems to be 10 miles an hour.  I know this since my “running”  speed is only maybe 8 miles an hour or so.  I want to walk leisurely and break up my thighs.  I want them to know what its like to catch some air.  I don’t need the wind to whisper through them.  I just want them to be like “Holy shit…I can breathe!!!!” (ok I’m a little jealous). Every set of inner thighs should have goals.  Mine have a goal of just feeling a breath of fresh air.

Whats the point of all of this you ask? No matter what kind of bitch you are, a pudgy pal, skinny rail, or one of you normal bitches; no matter what kind of ITD (inner thigh distance) you have (stuck like glue, occasional accidental touch or “who the hell are you” thighs)…be happy with what you have but always strive for better.  We can all do better…even you normal bitches.

 

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